Sometimes the scariest place in the world to be is alone. Trapped in your own head. With your own thoughts. Paranoia, self conciousness emotions. Sometimes its the place you can escape to when real life is too much to much to bear, so you can make a run for your own special, happy place that cannot be touched or tarnished by any one single person around you but then it can also quickly turn into the darkest part of your self and there is no escape.
When I first started this blog I figured it was just me that had a few loose screws and a somewhat more than awkward approach for dealing with a million sporadic and unusual thoughts but it seems the more this online escape is discussed by friends, family and strangers alike, the less alone I feel. Sceptics or critics need not continue reading but those who share my kindred soul, you know what I'm talking about.
Things go on in real life and we meet and bond with people who increase the crazy amount of thoughts that run through this blank canvas of our minds till we cant take it any more. Sometimes our thoughts are great and we build those around us into something larger than life and then there are those who turn our minds into a frenzy of one sided conversations and scenarios that may or may not be co existing around us. We allow ourselves to be swept away with a belief that there is something bigger going on and that we must be right in what we said or how we acted. We convince ourselves of things that aren’t necessarily there and we allow ourselves to be carried away on a cloud of “content” until we wake up and realise our coffee is cold and the real world is waiting right outside our heads just as it was when we retracted into our own state of mind.
The mind is one fuck off powerful place. In our heads we can create anything we want. In my opinion everyone is an inventor. We invent relationships, opportunities, successes, arguments, rationalisations, situations, fantasy lives. Anything really. We can slowly train our minds to be the most positive aspect of ourselves yet we can use this same energy to allow our minds to become the most destructive destination ever visited.
I often get stuck in my own head and I know not many get it and that's okay – really it is. I don't expect every one to get it. I just need one or two like minded philosophers who do and I already feel less lonely. I find that even in a silent room when its just me and the pillow my weary head rests on, I’m still in the loudest and busiest place imaginable. I find the things I don't want to think about replaying themselves like old movies over and over in my mind.
In that moment, right as I’m trying to be normal and right as I’m trying to fall asleep, it's that split second that is the most active moment of my life.
Silence please!
xxx
