Geez sometimes I can be a real dick! Its like my filter just switches off and there is nothing there to process what I feel and what I say. If only I were like new technology where I could buy myself add on parts and upgrades. (I would definitely swipe a filter on my card and not think twice!) I would even be happy to just be able to put myself on standby or sleep mode when I get like this...
I vowed I would never get Emo on my blog but since this is my release and my ,seemingly, only way of actually dealing with anything emotional here goes...
I'm mad at myself! I get so ridiculously stupidly emotionally stubborn and instead of telling the people I love how I feel I decide it best to rather keep it in and push people away. The more sad I get the ruder I become and the further I push those around me. Every time I leave home my hearts breaks a little more but instead of telling this to the people I love,l always managed to piss them off and push them away on my last day. Talk about the worlds best construction worker – just put me in a bad situation where tears may spill and watch how quickly I build a wall. Worst thing is I don't just build walls high enough to keep people out – I build them so high ,even I, find it hard to climb back over.
I become emotionally stunted and I shut down on every level.... Why? And am I the only person who gets this way and I am a bitch for not wanting to feel every single bit of hurt and pain that life has to offer? Yes - I get insecure and scared and I have days where I don't feel good enough for even myself let alone the rest of the world but do I have to stamp it on my face for everyone to see? Why cant I just retreat into my little hole and feel what I feel in private or better yet just throw on a CD and not feel at all. Sit back and rock out until the dust has settled and my world is happily rotating on its own little axis once again...
Sucky part is I don't just get like this with my family – I get like this with everyone, anyone in fact. And the more people try and help the worse I get... Maybe I am just that fiercely independent and guarded that I feel this is the best way to handle things - who the hell knows... I used to think I was just a melodramatic teenager and I would grow out of it but apparently years on, I'm still just emotionally inept, little me... All I can say is I am trying... and all I can ask is for those around me to be patient with me and please not take it personally.
So take this as a public apology to all of those who have felt the wrath of the stubborn, petulant child in me who is just to proud to cry or show my sadness to those around me. I get that I am an emotional contradiction and I am and always will be a “work in progress” .
Peace and love Homies!!
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ReplyDeletei dont think you are alone here.. everyone has their walls and hidden emotions. the only difference is you are brave enough to tackle them. 1st step to recovery is this blog.. well written :):) you rock sista
ReplyDeleteWow, are you sure you werent writing about me in this one....you may be stubborn and push people away when you need them most but one thing you are not is alone....gees this one is pretty much me in a nutshell on a bad day!! we gotta learn to get over this mental block and let people in and let them try help, its not easy and its a process but if we dont want to hurt those around us we will and can make it possible!!
ReplyDeleteHigh Five sista bliss! Love you madly n thanks fro your support! Thanks @Rob! :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe we all have that stubborn streak in us that we don't share with others. But sometimes it's good to get those feelings out so that people can see you have a human, soft side to you! I think....you build that wall to make yourself seem stronger and possibly u think it is an easier way of dealing with emotions, but building up too many emotions isn't a good thing.
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