Twisted Cinderella

Sitting on the front steps in my high tops and my party dress, breathing in the last few drags of a Menthol. My short dark fringe falling over my blue eyes, and my eye liner slightly smudged.... I'm just a Twisted Cinderella. Flowing out from inside I can hear the guitar strings of Angus Young and the shrill chorus of ACDC'S Thunderstruck. I stick my cigarette between my lips and I dramatically strum on my air guitar... After a few wicked moves of my tattooed wrist, I raise my glass to the odd lonely tramp walking down the road and high five the drunken blondes falling out the doors and into cabs. I look around and wonder if this is really it. If this is where I’m meant to be.

Twisted Cinderella. Untouchable. Restless and wild. Waiting for someone to understand. Iron clad heart apparently. Emotionally shut off from the rest of the world (I think those were the words used) I feel what I feel when I want to feel it. It may sound childish to some and I may seem cut off to others. You may not understand my black finger nails or my passion to cover my arm in tattoos. You may not get my crazy hair or accept my crazy laugh. You may not find my dancing around my lounge in a fire engine red wig and a leopard print dress on a Saturday night, amusing and you may find my writing boring and monotonous but in all honesty screw you if you don't get me. I don't care. Its not your approval I seek. Its not your opinion that matters. Wearing a bikini and rain boots while blowing bubbles in the sun is what makes me happy. And call me selfish but since its my life I’m all I care about at this point. Don't use my craziness to make yourself feel better and stop thinking you can save me cos you cant. I don't need saving. I'm happy with my life and I’m happy being slightly off key. I'm weird at times I get. I am a HUGE contradiction – this I know. Stop telling me what to feel and stop assuming you know what I want. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I have to be soft and fall in love. You cant possibly know what I want if you don't even truly know me.

Maybe this is just me and this is just what I want.... to sit out here in my party dress and my high tops, sucking on a cigarette, outside in the moonlight alone and free. With an arm full of ink and a head full of random thoughts. So if you looking for a perfect princess who follows the rules and always looks perfect and has a great body and long eyelashes to bat while she agrees with every word you say, keep on going because all that's here is a Twisted Cinderella. 

Rock on Individuality!!

xxx

What is a plan?

A plan is typically any diagram or list of steps with timing and resources, used to achieve an objective. One could also look up strategy. It is commonly understood as a temporal set of intended actions, through which one expects to achieve a goal.

Its funny how your whole life you get taught and prepped to have a “plan”. We go to school so we can be well prepared and educated for our future plans. Twelve damn years we invest in this “plan” We get party invites so we can plan to be free on that date. We plan our outfits and match our shoes. We get engaged with a plan to be married. We go off birth control so we can plan a family. We work hard so we can plan to have a nice house and car. We budget for holidays so we can plan a trip. We have Retirement annuities and policies so we plan ahead for our old age.

But realistically now, how often does it seem that the plans we have for ourselves ever go as “planned”. It’s such a contradiction when a plan doesn’t go accordingly and then we get hit with the harsh reality and my most un-favorite line in the world – “that’s life”! WTF?! What’s the point? We spend so much time planning and prepping and then in one day, in one instant, everything you thought was yours for the taking or everything you worked your ass off to achieve gets pulled from under you – the first thing we have to do, is come up with a new plan! It doesn’t matter how spontaneous or how fun we may be – everyone always needs a plan. And it doesn’t matter how strong you are or how quickly you bounce back – it always sucks to know your plan fell apart.

I remember being 13 and being too sick to attend a school disco to see some boy I thought was so cute , with his wiry curls and big brown eyes – It felt like my world had ended… Holy ratballs, if only I knew then what I know now. Coulda saved all the tears and “woe is me” puppy dog faces for the real stuff. The big plan – the one where you don’t get the dream apartment you been busting your balls to afford or the promotion you worked late nights and smiled at your boss so big for, that you went home with aching cheeks for weeks on end. The car that fell apart on you, and let you down when you needed it most. The month you finally earned enough to save a little extra to splurge and really spoil yourself only to find your washing machine broke and your geyser is leaking so you have to pay for that instead.

Eff me - some times life can be cruel and really have the last laugh but I guess its all relative. Along with being to taught to plan we are also taught to be optimistic, believing and have faith. We are taught to look for silver linings and to be mature enough to straighten up little soldier and stiffen up that upper lip because when one door closes another one opens. Funny how no time frame is given on the new door opening or which door to go through so when do so you don’t land up falling down another Rabbit hole.

*Sigh* Being a grown up is sometimes really hard work. I remember wishing with all my might to be 21 so I can live in my own house and make up my own rules. Shit I never even considered that meant paying my own bills and cleaning my own laundry. Catching my own spiders and painting my own walls. When the bathroom light blows and you have to light candles just so you don’t fall in the loo and when the curtain rail falls and you cant get it up again because you too small or have arms like jelly – It really doesn’t seem as much fun….

But all I can say now, sitting here feeling like a pile of dog poo ‘cos none of my plans seem to be coming together as quick as I’d like or as organized as I’d hoped, is that thank God I have parents who continuously teach me that belief, faith, positive thinking and love really can get you through mountains of shit. Parents that teach me that silver linings do exist and that no matter how many rabbit holes I fall down there is always a way out and always someone to lean on when times seem shitty and plans seems useless.

Give it up ladies and gents for my mom and dad! So today I say Fuck it – Its Friday and for the next two days (okay except for the “planned” football match tomorrow) I will make NO PLANS at all.

TGIF sheep!

xxx

Buttons

Today I lost my best friend. Today I had to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I had to decide what was right for you and put my own feelings aside. Today I lost my companion. I had to give MY angel back to God so he could give her wings and breathe her life back into her poor old body. I know not everyone gets it and they say if you just not a dog person you probably just wont get it but Buttons, you were truly my truest, most special companion. No matter what happened you were always there by side. If you weed where you shouldn't have or chewed something that was mine, it didn't matter if I got cross with you, two minutes later you were back in my lap giving me loves and licks.

People say I gave you a great last few years during your “retirement” but the way I see it is that you actually gave me a great time. Its amazing how much I learnt through you. I have learnt that some things really are just that much more important. I learnt that it doesn't matter what people think so long as you believe and so long as you love. Some laughed at my tattoo and thought I was crazy but you will always be a huge part of me and now its just one more reminder.

I never thought it was possible to love anything or anyone so much but my love for you is still unconditional. Mom didn't wanna see you suffer and mom didn't want to see you hurt so mom had to make a call. I'm gutted that I wont get to cuddle you and kiss you again and it kills me that I wont see your little face waiting at the door for me when I come home. It kills me that I wont hear you softly snoring next my bed and it breaks me that I wont get to laugh at your funny faces and stretching noises in the mornings. It breaks my heart that all I have left now are photos and memories but I would rather feel all this hurt myself than ever bear to look at your little face with those big brown eyes and know that your pain was silenced.

So today mommy had to say goodbye to you and even though its breaking my heart, I know I did right by you my precious pup.

Mom loves you always!

RIP Buttons my little Furball!

xxx