To 2012 and all its Resolutions.....

So its that time of year again. The last day of the Old year and the eve of a New one. The time where everyone scrambles around trying to find the perfect dress and the perfect club and the perfect hottie to snog at the stroke of Midnight. As fun as all that sounds (if only you could see the look of excitement i'm wearing on my face right now...) its also the time where the handful of over thinkers and self analysers sit back and look at the last year and all that happened. Its a time of reflection and a time of change. We have a new beginning to look forward to and to embrace and amongst the list of material and casual New Years resolutions such as , “I will give up smoking”, or “no more random hook ups” or “I swear this year ill move out my moms house”, “Buy that car I been eyeing out”, there should be a new set of personal goals one need to look at accomplishing.

For me the last year was a rough one but with a harsh reality check from an almost stranger and the endless fit of tears that followed I had to face the fact that this wasn’t the first I been had been psycho analysed and been fed the same result. In fact over the last year this was all I was hearing. I tried to fight it. Tried to go out of my way to prove people wrong and although I didn't always realise I was consciously doing this, and I have the potential to slip back into that place at any time, I am now at least admitting that this may true.....

They say insanity is hitting your head against a brick wall expecting a different result each time and that's how I have lived this last year. Insanely! I gave no one a chance. I expected everyone to hurt and disappoint me and I convinced myself that I was a stronger person by cutting myself off from the world, when in fact I am the biggest coward alive!

I say I want to make a difference but i'm too scared I fail so I don't try hard enough. I say I don't want a relationship or someone to love me and someone who I can share my love with when I actually I might. I would rather lose that person by being a shell of who I am than take a risk and get hurt by trying anyway. I say people don't phase me but their words sting like a bitch. I say i'm not pretentious and just shy when in fact there are just certain people I don't click with. I say I work hard when in fact I could probably squeeze an extra hour of success out of each day, if not more. I say I wanna see the world but complain that I have to live out of a suitcase. I do get involved in charity however I have so many more hours and volunteering to give.

So for this year I need to let go of all the negative aspects that control me and the biggest thing that has me shackled at this point is TREPIDATION. I so scared of being hurt and disappointed that I am just sailing through life emotionless and untouched. This year may have some nasty stumbling blocks for me but its about time I learn to take a risk. To free fall without a safety net and if it doesn't work..... Well then I'll learn how to get back up, dust myself off and get back out there. I put so much pressure on big events and people that its hard for anyone to compare in real life to what is really going on in my head. I need to just let people be people and make a decision to let the ones who consistently disappoint, leave my life for good.

I spend so much love and energy on people who don't matter when I could concentrate a little more on the ones who do, because the reality is, they wont be around forever.

This year hasn't been all that bad. I made amazing friendships and I have come through a dark time with a big smile on my face (yeah, there were tears.... floods of them but each cry allowed me to rinse my self a little more from all the bad and the change)) and a heart that is now open and ready to embrace new emotion. I have come through hard times without resorting to old habits and I have realised that I actually like more things than I thought I did. I've also realised I like ME a lot more than I thought I did. I have laughed and lived freely but somehow I have still managed to hold back more of myself than I should have.

May 2012 help me to drop the Twisted and just accept I am Cinderella and may this Butterfly no longer be Fallen but very much ,wings spread wide, with the strength and the courage to fly down whichever path my life will take me.

I am worth all the things I deserve and it can only be through my own hands that I can accept these things.

I will let go of the things I cant control as they are out of my control and through the amazing people who have been in my life over the last few months I will be okay.

And if things don't work out the way I had hoped, I will trust in my own courage to let go, scrap that plan and start a new one, for while my heart still beats may I forever have the courage to follow it!

Happy New Year and may 2012 bring out all the love and opportunities each one of us deserve!

Auld Lang Syne

In nothing more than her undies and her favourite black, off the shoulder Santa Jack tee and her infamous snow boots, she cranks the volume up once again and throws her head and back and forth to the violent sounds of Rage Against the Machine, strumming on her air guitar she escapes the world and loses herself in the one passion that moves her more than anything. Her Music. Letting her mind and body move to the rhythm of the bass guitar paired with the pounding of the drums, she yells to the lyrics releasing all her fears, her anger, her frustration of the year she spent the last two hours looking back on.

How did she get here? How did she get from Old Years Eve 2010 to Christmas Eve 2011 without completely falling apart? For a creature of habit, change is a bitter, hard little pill to swallow. The end of an era and the start of a new chapter. Exciting – yes, scary – hell yes! But somehow, looking back at all the change and all the negativity and all the scary shit that went down, she came out of it. She came out of it stronger. She came out of it wiser and braver and more compassionate that she had been in a long time. The lessons to be learned this last year had come fast and hard and at one point, she felt like given up. Packing it all up and making one final change.... a familiar one. Going back to the place she thought she may finally belong. But the lessons didn't stop there. They continued. Crept into her safe zone, came in the form of many things. Patience was tested. Boundaries were pushed. Emotions soared high. But one thing that never faltered throughout this new year was faith.

Like the formidable force it is, it pushed her. Forced her to find her feet, get back up on them and charge back into her own life and take control. Her passion, again, became her driving force. The shit days still came... fast and hard but some how she learnt to cry. She learnt to wash the pain out from inside of her and to cope. To manage her emotions and learn to harness them. She is slowly accepting that even though those rainy days roll around, often or not, and it feels like the life she worked so hard to build will be washed away in the flood that follows, she needs to remember that no matter the damage, she is blessed with the capability to repair and move on. Adapt and survive.

So as she appears now, no longer afraid and alone, with the sound of the rough jagged voices emitting from her stereo, throwing herself around the room like a rag doll she cant help but let the melody and the notes wash over her and feel the rush of excitement as she finally accepts that the old year is nearly done and a bright new beginning is peeking out brightly from just around the corner. Its time to accept and move on that while Out with the old..... its always in with the new...

Happy New Year and God Bless.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

Trust is one of several social constructs, an element of the social reality. Other constructs, frequently discussed together with trust, are: control, confidence, risk, meaning and power. Trust is naturally attributable to relationships between social actors, both individuals and groups (social systems). Because trust is a social construct, it is valid to discuss whether trust can be trusted  i.e. whether social trust operates as expected.

Some trust too easy and some not at all. Some can brush off the uncertainties and risks involved while others can never let go and continue to find it harder and harder to judge the trustworthiness of those around them. But how do we get there? How do we accept the loss of control and put our most prized, most significant and pure and certainly most protected possession in someone else hands? Someone we pray and wish never to lose? 

How do you rewire yourself and bring yourself to start dismantling your armour that has kept you so safe and so protected for the longest time? How do you allow someone to simply stumble into your life, your safe haven, and just start start breaking down your walls one brick at a time without allowing fear and panic to rise up in your throat? 

How, after being so independent and so perfectly lonely for so long, does one surrender all that and rely on another? How do we know who the right ones are too trust and who are the scamsters looking to take us down another path of hurt and disappointment?  How do we open our hearts to the risk and the many things that may go wrong? 

How is it that some gain our trust instantaneously and we never measure to what degree that trust could be shattered because we haven't yet considered the risk, while others, we know, right away the risks involved and the loss may be inevitably follow? How is it easier to trust a complete stranger with a comment or a look yet when someone is trying to gain our trust intentionally we shyly hide behind our pride? And my BIGGEST questions of the day is why when we finally do surrender this trust does it get returned in tiny shattered pieces? 

No one wants to be damaged or broken. No one wants to be angry, or hurt or scared but life isn't always about getting what we want. Its about adapting and surviving. Its about growth and love and passion and just because someone is a little more freaked out than most doesn't necessarily mean they have or always will be that way it just means they need a little extra patience, a little more understanding and  little more love. 

Most of my questions, I will never find answers to and my confusion may never disappear and as foolish as it may seem to want so badly to believe that one person can tear down years of resistance and to wish for a fairytale as hard ass as I may be, its all I can do.... is believe. 

All I can hope for is that one day someone strong and genuine will bulldoze that wall to the ground and show me that the one I find the hardest to believe in the one thing they will provide and never falter on and that i will never have to rebuild a wall again.....

Till then all I can do is try......