So its that time of year again. The last day of the Old year and the eve of a New one. The time where everyone scrambles around trying to find the perfect dress and the perfect club and the perfect hottie to snog at the stroke of Midnight. As fun as all that sounds (if only you could see the look of excitement i'm wearing on my face right now...) its also the time where the handful of over thinkers and self analysers sit back and look at the last year and all that happened. Its a time of reflection and a time of change. We have a new beginning to look forward to and to embrace and amongst the list of material and casual New Years resolutions such as , “I will give up smoking”, or “no more random hook ups” or “I swear this year ill move out my moms house”, “Buy that car I been eyeing out”, there should be a new set of personal goals one need to look at accomplishing.
For me the last year was a rough one but with a harsh reality check from an almost stranger and the endless fit of tears that followed I had to face the fact that this wasn’t the first I been had been psycho analysed and been fed the same result. In fact over the last year this was all I was hearing. I tried to fight it. Tried to go out of my way to prove people wrong and although I didn't always realise I was consciously doing this, and I have the potential to slip back into that place at any time, I am now at least admitting that this may true.....
They say insanity is hitting your head against a brick wall expecting a different result each time and that's how I have lived this last year. Insanely! I gave no one a chance. I expected everyone to hurt and disappoint me and I convinced myself that I was a stronger person by cutting myself off from the world, when in fact I am the biggest coward alive!
I say I want to make a difference but i'm too scared I fail so I don't try hard enough. I say I don't want a relationship or someone to love me and someone who I can share my love with when I actually I might. I would rather lose that person by being a shell of who I am than take a risk and get hurt by trying anyway. I say people don't phase me but their words sting like a bitch. I say i'm not pretentious and just shy when in fact there are just certain people I don't click with. I say I work hard when in fact I could probably squeeze an extra hour of success out of each day, if not more. I say I wanna see the world but complain that I have to live out of a suitcase. I do get involved in charity however I have so many more hours and volunteering to give.
So for this year I need to let go of all the negative aspects that control me and the biggest thing that has me shackled at this point is TREPIDATION. I so scared of being hurt and disappointed that I am just sailing through life emotionless and untouched. This year may have some nasty stumbling blocks for me but its about time I learn to take a risk. To free fall without a safety net and if it doesn't work..... Well then I'll learn how to get back up, dust myself off and get back out there. I put so much pressure on big events and people that its hard for anyone to compare in real life to what is really going on in my head. I need to just let people be people and make a decision to let the ones who consistently disappoint, leave my life for good.
I spend so much love and energy on people who don't matter when I could concentrate a little more on the ones who do, because the reality is, they wont be around forever.
This year hasn't been all that bad. I made amazing friendships and I have come through a dark time with a big smile on my face (yeah, there were tears.... floods of them but each cry allowed me to rinse my self a little more from all the bad and the change)) and a heart that is now open and ready to embrace new emotion. I have come through hard times without resorting to old habits and I have realised that I actually like more things than I thought I did. I've also realised I like ME a lot more than I thought I did. I have laughed and lived freely but somehow I have still managed to hold back more of myself than I should have.
May 2012 help me to drop the Twisted and just accept I am Cinderella and may this Butterfly no longer be Fallen but very much ,wings spread wide, with the strength and the courage to fly down whichever path my life will take me.
I am worth all the things I deserve and it can only be through my own hands that I can accept these things.
I will let go of the things I cant control as they are out of my control and through the amazing people who have been in my life over the last few months I will be okay.
And if things don't work out the way I had hoped, I will trust in my own courage to let go, scrap that plan and start a new one, for while my heart still beats may I forever have the courage to follow it!
Happy New Year and may 2012 bring out all the love and opportunities each one of us deserve!
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