No More - No Less

Staring out at the ocean on a rock high above sits a lonely girl with a heavy heart and a racing mind. Her mind drifts off, away from the crashing waves and intense smell of sea salt. 

She gently gathers handfuls of sand and watches how it slowly runs through her fingers... Life... she thought. The more she tried to keep the sand in her hand the quicker it would run back to the ocean 

Her thoughts turned away from the almost frightened sand and to a boy with magnificent green eyes and beautiful black curls, With a face like an angel and a nature just as pure, he was perfect. Just the way, she thought, God hand intended. Everything about this boy was special. 

His smile -  the one he used specially fro her when she somehow managed to catch his attention.
His laugh - the way it was soft and gentle when he laughed for her alone. 

His eyes - the ones she prayed would notice her.
His strength - the way he could pull her so close to him in one swift movement. 

His protection - the way he could easily keep her safe from all harm. 

His friendship - the way he could never love her any less....... nor ever love her anymore

As she wipes a falling tear she looks to the sky and thanks God that she is blessed on its own just to have him in her life..... 

Nothing really matters.....

 Here is a naff little piece I wrote way back when.....

Like a candle disrupted by a breeze, 

Like a river disrupted by an open floodgate, 

The night being awakened by a sunset, 

The fading shades of oranges, reds and pinks, 

The sea settling with each crashing wave and the stars coming out to play in the dark of night,

The feeling of cold sand on bare feet,

The breeze and smell of salt so fresh,

The feeling of a strand of hair being wiped from my face,

The tingling of my skin after hand gently brushes my arm,

A stolen glance, 

Your eyes shining from the moonlight, your face never looking more beautiful,

I shiver and you ask if I'm cold - another wave crashes - your arm gently slides around my bare shoulders,

Racing hearts and butterflies, with brightly coloured wings, come out to play

Soothing silence, the ocean suddenly so calm with the crisp white of the moonlight glazing the water 

You stand and effortlessly pull me to my feet,

You hold my hand tight and lead me towards the shore,

The ocean running towards us and then silently creeping back into the dark of the night,

Brightly coloured lights - a ship,

You point towards it and I smile you put your arm around me and my body trembles,

You smile at me and your eyes sparkle,

I smile back, almost as reassurance, you pull me tighter towards you and I lean my head against your chest,

I slip my arms around your waist and softly squeeze you,

The sound of the wind whistling to the sea and the waves crashing in reply are the only sounds we hear,

You say my name and I look up you cup my chin in your hand and lean in closer,

I can feel your breath against my cheek, my heart begins to pound,

I tilt my head towards you and i feel your lips touch mine, so soft, so sweet,

The stars above twinkling brightly in approval, the crashing waves applauding, 

The sky above looking over us in amazement,

You pull me in closer and you kiss my cheek,

we look out at the horizon not being able to see a thing

Looking out at the unknown but standing there, at that moment, in your arms.... 

Nothing really matters.......

Ice Cream for Supper......

And marshmallows for breakfast.... Cartoons in bed on lazy Sunday mornings, n weepy chick flicks late into the evenings... Smudged mascara n hour long bubble baths....  Sarah Mclachlan in the background while making cupcakes, or Rob Zombie while painting a new piece. Hours of Reality Tv and lazy naps on the couch. Last minute drinks with girlfriends n getting away with wearing yesterdays tshirt. Sleeping in ya undies n that 'shoulda been thrown out years ago' hood and not worrying about crumbs on the other half of the bed. Deciding in 5 minutes what to order in for supper and no arguing about what movie to see. Slurping hot chocolate and ugly crying, openly, at the mushy parts in romantic comedies. Not putting the cap back on the toothpaste and walking around with a face mask n cucumber on your eyes with no shame…..

We all start off with many tear stained nights. We wonder where things went wrong and how we could have avoided the dreaded break up. We go through the raw emotions and feel them harshly as each new one takes over. Hurt, anger, betrayal, loss, sadness, disappointment, the list goes on. We spend days, weeks, even months feeling down and not good enough and lonely. We drunk dial and sent paranoid messages. We drive ourselves crazy thinking about all the people taking our place in our ex’s lives but all the while missing out on the awesome opportunities unveiling themselves to us on a daily basis.

We get hung up on the negative and find ourselves being unable to breathe. Its like picking a scab – its never gonna heal unless you allow it. There are so many cool things about being in a relationship and it seems all the focus is drawn and stops there. But what about all the positives about being on your own? That little fart in the breeze…. There are so many plus sides and no - having random sex is not the only one. (Boys!!!) Its almost like we get to dismantle our selves and begin a complete reinvention. We get to piece ourselves together again, slow and steady. We get to control the decisions we make and we get to focus on so many wonderful things instead of always worrying about putting someone else first. And anyone who says singles cant fall in love is talking rubbish…. I’m falling more and more in love every day…. With myself.. Discovering the different parts of me that have been dormant for so long is so much fun! Its like there is a constant party in my heart and I just cant contain myself!!

We can’t live in the past and its safe to say we will definitely still have bad days and small reminders of what we had and what was lost. Our pillows may still absorb the tears on those nights when you feel all alone and our broken hearts will take time for the scars to disappear, but it’s important to remember that it always gets better. So long as there is a tomorrow there is always a chance to make it better. And so long as we have Ice Cream for Supper….. we’ll all be ok!

Chocolates and Sprinkles! 

Don’t hate the player, hate the game…..

Okay great so what if I didn’t sign up for any stupid game and I don’t feel like playing? Or what if I got bored and don’t feel like playing anymore. Geez sometimes the cat, mouse scenario between men and woman can get dragged out so long and become as boring as an ongoing Monopoly Marathon. It was fun when you started but now its just eating into valuable time that could be spent doing something so much more productive.

Yes we get it, you own fifty hotels and 40 streets and every time I come close, you fine me and I feel miserable but for crying out loud aren’t you getting bored yet? I mean Ok great – we went out we flirted, we waited around for a few days wondering is he gonna call, isn’t he, then we did the “Oooh I like you but I don’t” dance and then what??? Sometimes this sing song between two singles takes a few weeks before it fizzles, sometimes a few days but in essence the ones that all start the same usually all end the same so what the hell is the point?

Why do we have to play stupid little games to attract the attention or interest of the opposite sex?! What is this "3 day rule before calling someone" bullshit? What is this “the more you pretend to not like him – the more he’ll like you” crap and what the hell is up with the “don’t give too much away” stupidity?! Who the hell comes up with the rules and who are the idiots that decide it’s a good idea to follow them? Surely we would want to attract someone that is like us and that we can trust and be open and comfortable with? And surely we would be wasting our time hooking up with anyone less than what we want so why the hell cant we be honest?!

Why cant we say – “well that was a fun night but I’m not really ready for anything right now so lets not tarnish the fun we had” and slip away and out of the other parties lives quietly? Or why can’t we say – “that was a great night – call again so we can get to know each other” and actually really call with an open mind and maybe build a bond with that person.

Why is sex a challenge for men and a relationship a challenge for women. Or maybe, that could be turned around and still make the same amount of sense. Why are men constantly continuing meaningless relationships with woman they are simply not into, whilst leading them on and hurting their feelings and why are woman so hell bent on convincing said man that he is ready for a relationship and he does love her he just hasn’t noticed it yet?

Why do we torture ourselves with such nonsense? Where did you ever hear that Cinderella screwed 40 guys after too many tequila shots until she met Prince Charming? Or Rapunzel hooking a up a rig so her dude could get to her easier… please… Not even Fiona made it easy for Shrek to get her trapped in Holy Matrimony. 

I dont like games and I dont play games, unless its 30 seconds with a bottle of Jack Daniels, at a braai! I dont get it and quite frankly I dont really wanna get it. Sure i could be that girl that goes out with a different boy every weekend by following some set of cheat notes derived from other girls, but what happens afterwards? What happens when you land up with someone that you realise you have barely anything in common with because you never got to know the real person you each are? Its called deception plain and simple! Doesn't matter how much you try and bedazzle it and how many pretty ribbons u slap on - when it comes down to it - its really not a whole lot of fun spending so much time on pretending you something you not and watching every word you say.

My theory is simple! If you like someone be yourself! It may not be what that person wants but if not, then ask yourself  this - if that is true do you really want them? Looks will fade and clothes will go out of fashion but personality is there for life! Keep it real!

Game Over! 

I am a Princess!

 Yes I have a hard exterior, yes I have a potty mouth and as much grace as a mosquito in gumboots, yes I drink whiskey and watch football and have a temper that can flare from laid back beach bum to South of Jhb – “ill punch you in the face” in a matter of minutes, depending on how hard you push me. Yes I wear jeans sneakers n hoods most of the time and I don’t cross my legs at the ankles.

I say inappropriate things and I make rude jokes. I am not scared to laugh at myself and my body is not perfect. My hair sometimes sticks up and I don’t always wash my dishes and make my bed. Some mornings I may find myself in a rush and a wear a t-shirt that may not be entirely fresh. I eat cheeseburgers and sometimes forget to wipe the sauce from my cheek. I am a foosball addict and the more passionate I get the less demure I become. I don’t mind my P’s n Q’s, I don’t giggle and bat my eyelashes (unless I’m around my pops in which case I completely transform into Daddy’s Little Girl)

I’m not exactly what one would call a lady or a “girly girl” – however that doesn’t mean that when I’m home alone I don’t get indecisive about what color to paint my nails and make sure my legs are smooth. It doesn’t mean I don’t have dilemmas about what I’m going to wear out that night It doesn’t mean I don’t like to eat chocolate while soaking in candlelit bubble baths with some chick tunes in the background.  It doesn’t mean I don’t wear sexy lingerie under my jeans n T’s. It doesn’t mean I don’t like a good giggle with my girlfriends and that I cant rock a pretty dress and some 6 Inch heels. It certainly doesn’t mean that when it comes to boys I shouldn’t be treated as anything less than what I am – a Princess… (Maybe the Princess of Punk to some, but a Princess none the less)

I want to be wined n dined and I LOVE flowers. Yellow Daffodils are my favorite! (HINT HINT)  Such happy little blossoms, those… I want to be told I’m beautiful, even if it is when I am fluey and a bit smudged. I want to be asked to dinner and the movies and not in a game playing, best buds kind of way but because you (you , being my imaginary Prince Charming who is on his wayward path to finding me) want me to. Because you can’t think of anyone else you would rather be watching a movie with. I want to be thought of during the day. I want to be spoiled, just because you thought I deserved it. I want to be special to you. But all the while, being accepted, for who I am. I want to be cooked for and I want to occasionally be picked over boys night just because…. 

I am happy to be the beer chugging gal whilst out n about who head bangs to Metallica and is all about the laughter because that’s who I am and that’s who you’ll be signing up for - but when the lights go out I also, want to be curled up next to my cuddle monkey feeling safe and protected , whilst my surprise delivered,  Daffodils take their happy place on the window sill and resting in my BlackBerry are the reminders that I am someone’s Princess.

Rock on Real Romance! 

Erm... we are all just a little CRAZY.....

Ever had that moment in time, drunk or sober, when that switch in your head flips and common sense and logic high tail it out the window and all you are left with is the comforting thought of “Where’s the harm?”, so you go ahead and let your crazy hang all out, in public or with the one person you were trying so damn hard to keep your Bunny Boiler antics from?

Good! I’m glad I’m not alone then! WTF?! How we do go from being so mentally stable and sane to completely losing the plot and doing or saying something so totally random and “out of character” (or at least that’s what I’d like to believe)! Its like EEEEEEEEEEKKKKK Rewind, Rewind!! Pause! Stop! Anything! Sometimes its almost instant that you realize the Level 3 Psychopath has escaped and showed its smug little face and all you think is – “Shit maybe he/she didn’t notice…. Maybe If I believe in my head it didn’t happen then it will all go away.” And then, sometimes, when your pot has really boiled over and your bunny is totally charred, it takes a few days for the craziness to settle in and you are left feeling humiliated! Not to mention you now owe all non crazy parties, a red and shame faced apology, followed by an admission, (PLEASE NOTE: admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or compulsion is step 1 of the 12 step programme, for those of you in need of help like me!), of just how ridiculously out of line and demented you actually behaved! Oh The Shame!

What is that?! How the hell do we get to that place and does it happen to everyone, or is it really just subject to the select few of us who were born with more “crazy” than others?! Close friends and family of mine, I think, (I hope) have all come to accept my crackass personality and understand than on days that I’m acting crazier than a shit house rat, to ignore and avoid me at all costs. They, as I do, believe it is just safer that way.

Shame, I actually know there are a number of peeps who will be reading this thinking “Yup – I may have imagined her in a straight jacket once or twice, when the crazy eyes set in” but the fact that they will still be reading shows that if you look beyond my, at times, crazy glare and sometimes sticky up hair and ignore my sometimes narcissistic ways you will see that I’m really no more crazy than the next Bunny Boiler!

Long live the Crazy! 

Im a Rockstar Baby!

Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
Livin' in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
with her bleach blonde hair
and well..
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

We’ve all heard, and I’m sure, even sang along to the now infamous words of Chad Kroeger but I find it ridiculously alarming at how much of my thought space and time in my day is consumed with this thought. A song written and released more than 4 yrs ago and it still plagues me every day… I just wanna be a big Rock Star.

Silly? Wishful thinking? Who knows and quite frankly who the fuck cares…. If I’m honest, then yes, I do wanna be a rock star, I do wanna live in a hill top house and drive a fancy car. I do wanna be skinny and wear leather pants and rock ACDC t-shirts all day while putting pen to paper! Shit, that to me is the dream! Okay I admit the amount of energy spent on wishing this were true could probably go to better use, but hell – every one is allowed to dream, are they not?

Don’t get me wrong. Its not that I lack ambition or drive. I have enough of both and I can rock a corporate boardroom any day of the week, along with the best of them but at night when the suit pants comes off and the knickers, hoodie and knee high socks come on, that’s all I can think about! Its like a total sense of freedom! I get to shake the bobby pins out of my hair, lay on an extra smear of eyeliner and head bang on the couch to the likes of Korn or a lil bit of Bullet. Its my stress release. Even better – throw in a paintbrush and blank canvas and shit, I’m on fire!

I get to escape to a world that is just mine.. No drama, no bullshit, no people, just me and the music. So, yes, even though I’m a 28 yr old woman why would I not want to be a Rock Star?! I know childhood dreams of occupations as fireman and doctors, a lot of the time, get tossed aside but If I can be honest, I have never quite given up on the dream of being a Rock Star! Granted I have the voice of a dying baby seal and the guitar talent of an elephant in mittens, but I’d like to think that maybe one day, just maybe, I could be the brains behind a rock operation and pen some badass lyrics that grab the attention of some band manager out there… Pipe dream? Maybe… but again, a life without dreams is just too damn boring!

Rock n Roll for Life!!