In a world of people being who they are not... Be the person you are!!!!

Pencil skirts and Portafino shirts.... Denim shorts and hooded tops... Straight laced... Foul mouthed... Neat buns.... Messy curls... Perfect soft pink lips... smudged eye liner... Educated and Intelligent... Ditzy and clumsy... who is the real me? Does it need to be a choice? Can we really not have our cake and eat it when it comes to ourselves? Well I say if you baked it... own it and eat the fucking thing! If there is one person in this world who hates the phrase YOLO but loves the meaning You Only Live Once, its this Cinderella.

Who decides who you are? Society? I'm in my 30's and I still I see two separate worlds before me. I see people who have aged way before their time and act like they are in their 50's and I see people who should be owning it in their mid lives and are still struggling to keep up but what's stopping us from having it all? We live in a world of motivational pictures, social trending quotes telling us to be all we can be and an era where hardly anything IF anything is impossible (okay maybe if you are trying to fly yourself that' s going to be a little hard but hey they say its aerodynamically impossible for a Bee to fly yet we all know how that ends so there is hope yet.. ), so why do we find it so hard for ourselves to BE ourselves?

Why are we so scared to be more than one stereotype or more than what we were made for? I'm not saying everyone has to have two personalities... that's just stupid... (Or that's just me, I'm still figuring it out), but if there are multiple parts to us why is so hard for others to accept? Why can we not be fun and serious? Why cant we be smart and casual? Intelligent and doff? Funny and dry? Tidy and a lil scattered? Who the fuck knows? All I know that is wont let society pigeon hole me and tell me who I am supposed to be.

If I want to wear a pretty floral frock one day and slum it in my jeans and snow boots the next that's my prerogative. If I want to dance like Brittany to radio music at my desk but rock out to Great White while I'm cooking supper that's MY choice. If I want to deal with numbers all day and paint all night – that's again for ME to decide. I'm happy with who I am cos it took me 31 fucking long hard years to get here and I wont let short sighted strangers who's met for all of 5 seconds, or an acquaintance who thinks they know me, judge me on that.

Be the best YOU you can be!

That's all that matters!

Xxx

Wonder Woman

 If Superman was so tough he wouldn’t have needed or wanted Louis lane, Super girl wouldn’t have dated Dick Malverne and Iron man wouldn’tve bestowed his affection on Pepper Potts or Iron woman if you prefer (and no boys – that is a person not a command) Mr Fantastic had Sue Storm and Peter Parker leaned on the lovely Mary Jane Watson.. even Batman had Robin to turn to.

If you really start delving into things you will see that one of the very few Superheroes who didn’t have a permanent significant other that remained consistent throughout, was the infamous Wonder Woman. Yup even when entering a Mans World, with a smoking body, jet black hair and big blue eyes, Wondy still couldn’t seem to keep her men... On meeting Steve Trevor , Wondys First Love, Wondy was besotted. Yes they eventually did get married but it wasn’t long before he also became the one who would ultimately marry the post-Crisis version of Wondy's Golden Age sidekick, Etta Candy. Without going into too much detail, Wondy spent time with a small plethora of men, some of which include Aquaman,. Trevor Barnes, Batman (Yes, THE Batman), Tom Tresser, AKA Nemesis , and even Superman!

Although its hard to be sure of who exactly Wonder Woman ultimately ends up with, I think that whilst people know her as the scantily clad crime fighting Amazonian warrior (and modern age prissies may think only geeks know her true back story (cue my curtsy for the crowd)), more girls can relate to this fictional legend than they may think. Wonder Woman lived a double life as Diana Prince, which was actually the identity she gained when she joined the Mans World and which she used to keep her real identity as Wonder Woman, a secret. The only difference between this fact and girls today is that we are more prone to revealing the Wonder Woman side of ourselves to the world whilst we keep our “Diana Princes” only display to a limited few, namely our girlfriends and close family. We are more likely to show off all of our strengths and positive strong attributes we forget that deep inside is really just a normal person with normal fears and normal tendencies. Rather than in comics books where the heroes are more open to showing the world the flaws and keeping their incredible strengths private, we as girls choose to to do the total opposite.

In today's society woman have fought too long and too hard for equal rights and whilst I am the biggest advocate for “woman can do it just as well men”- whether its in an office, on a race track, on a sports field or in any platform I still strongly believe that there will always be something separating us and that's just that we are woman!! No scientific explanation or long drawn out psycho- analysis, we are just girls.. And while we are tough cookies and can multi task and do a billion cool and different things and still fend off baddies in the form of greasy Guido's in clubs and run big corporate enterprises, and raise kids and still look pretty while doing all this, it doesn’t mean we want to always necessarily do it alone. Being independent and strong doesn’t mean not having weak moments. It doesn’t mean not wanting to take to break from bravery for 5 minutes and just lean on someone else. It doesn’t mean not wanting to feel special and appreciated. It doesn’t mean not appreciating or wanting small surprises and it certainly doesn’t mean not wanting to be loved.

I wouldn’t trade my independence for the world and I would never pretend to be anything less than who I am, which is, a smart successful independent woman but I will also never deny being the other 50% of me which is plainly and simply.... a girl!!!! It doesn’t matter how we differ from each other we are still pretty much one in the same when it comes down to being treated like one.....

Every Wonder Woman wants to be able to lean on a Superman.. even if sometimes its only while it lasts...

xxx

The end of an Era...... Nah the beginning of a new one!!

If you asked me in my teens where I would be at 30, I wouldve told you to shut up cos it hurt my head to think that far in advance. If you asked me at my 21st I wouldve said.... "Hmmmm successful is what I'd like to be...." At 25 I would have said "Married with a baby and one in the oven" And at 28 I would said who the hell cares I just don't want to be old...... Sniff sniff!

But here I am, the day looming in just a few short hours and all I can think is "Holy shit! I'm going to be 30!!" I don't feel 30! Most say I don't look 30 and, I have to admit, I totally get off peoples reactions when they accuse me of lying and actually only being 23, 24. But in reality here I am..... about to turn 30! As far as societies idea of 30 goes, I'm pretty much nowhere near where i should be I guess, but as far as life experience, personal growth and who I am and what I'm comfortable with and capable of, I'm almost right where I want to be. 

I would actually say that in hindsight every so many years I have a really defining one and this last year has to be the most definitive yet!! In the last 365 days I have pushed myself to do things I never dreamed possible and most certainly didn't believe I was capable. I have grown from strength to strength, and although I may not quite have figured what I do want in and outta life, I have definitely made a list of the things I don't! 

This last year has been amazing! I have learnt self restraint, I have learnt to be less selfish with those I love and more selfish with my self and my heart (to a degree - that's still a work in progress) I have learnt to take a risk, I have learnt to let go that of which I cannot control. I have learnt to remain calm and to think before speaking (again - work in progress) I have learnt that its okay to trust someone if they really are worth trusting. Ive learnt that its okay to have a crush and not have to act on it. Ive learnt that its okay to say no if you don't feel like doing something or something goes against your beliefs. That last one may seem a bit juvenile considering I'm almost 30 but its easy to let life and people sway you no matter how old or young you are. Ive learnt that travel is the richest form of experience one could ever own. Ive learnt that balance is HUGELY important! Being an organized, "got my shit together" career woman by day who is all about seriousness and professionalism doesn't mean I cant be the sneaker clad, band tee and skinnies child who fist pumps and laughs her ass off at stupid jokes and makes pervy comments about Team Emmit during Twilight! It doesn't mean I cant cry at the top of a mountain because I'm too scared to climb back down the chains and it certainly doesn't mean I cant put a Santa head on in public and do the running man in the middle of a store! It makes no difference what my ID says, its about who I am and im not defined by a number!

Geez this last year has been amazing! The places I have been, the people I have met and the crazy insane things Ive down! From jumping out of a plane, to 90degree quad bike trails, to strolling across Great Tower bridge and getting inked in Camden with new friends from Iran. Jumping on a plane and heading to a country I knew no one and leaving with lifelong best mates. This year has been a trip. (No pun intended) Standing in the doorway of my Manhattan Apartment to looking out at the Statue of Liberty and dancing along the shores of Coney Island to Seaside heights. 

Learning how to cope with bad days alone and trying new foods in Sydney and long hikes along the cliffs of Bondi. Each and every moment learning and discovering more about who I am and what I've accomplished by myself through the gifts and skills my parents and God gave me. 

So many people have made some harsh comments about my age and where I'm at in my life and to all of you I say - don't feel sorry for me because I'm not married and I have no babies. Don't pity me because I'm single and don't own my own home. If those were your goals at 30 or are your goals for when you get there, that's great - that's what YOU want. For me - I have an amazing, exciting and challenging job, I have the most amazing family, I have friends who I adore and who adore me, I get to travel the world and meet new people and learn new cultures, I'm in an amazing position to give back and I have a home that I've been building for a while that I can somewhat call my own. I am more than comfortable in my own skin and I am more than blessed and content with where I am in my life.

So basically with this whole little rundown of my last year or so what I'm saying is that no matter how I cant help a tear sliding down my cheek, here and there, today, and aside from the fact I'm terrified of being old... If the last year is anything to go by in terms of my future then please..... Don't feel sorry for me, cos the way I see it - I have a fucking awesome life! So instead of being scared of getting older, I will rather use this time to appreciate the one thing we are all so happy to give up so quickly without even realising it and that's TIME. 

Let this year slow down a bit so instead of so many of us trying to hurry it on and wish it was over because we have hit a few bumps in the road, lets rather take this time to think back and be grateful for the good that's come with it! Let time stand still for just a moment! 

To turning 1year older but remaining forever young in spite! 

xxx

In my Head

Sometimes the scariest place in the world to be is alone. Trapped in your own head. With your own thoughts. Paranoia, self conciousness emotions. Sometimes its the place you can escape to when real life is too much to much to bear, so you can make a run for your own special, happy place that cannot be touched or tarnished by any one single person around you but then it can also quickly turn into the darkest part of your self and there is no escape.

When I first started this blog I figured it was just me that had a few loose screws and a somewhat more than awkward approach for dealing with a million sporadic and unusual thoughts but it seems the more this online escape is discussed by friends, family and strangers alike, the less alone I feel. Sceptics or critics need not continue reading but those who share my kindred soul, you know what I'm talking about.

Things go on in real life and we meet and bond with people who increase the crazy amount of thoughts that run through this blank canvas of our minds till we cant take it any more. Sometimes our thoughts are great and we build those around us into something larger than life and then there are those who turn our minds into a frenzy of one sided conversations and scenarios that may or may not be co existing around us. We allow ourselves to be swept away with a belief that there is something bigger going on and that we must be right in what we said or how we acted. We convince ourselves of things that aren’t necessarily there and we allow ourselves to be carried away on a cloud of “content” until we wake up and realise our coffee is cold and the real world is waiting right outside our heads just as it was when we retracted into our own state of mind.

The mind is one fuck off powerful place. In our heads we can create anything we want. In my opinion everyone is an inventor. We invent relationships, opportunities, successes, arguments, rationalisations, situations, fantasy lives. Anything really. We can slowly train our minds to be the most positive aspect of ourselves yet we can use this same energy to allow our minds to become the most destructive destination ever visited.

I often get stuck in my own head and I know not many get it and that's okay – really it is. I don't expect every one to get it. I just need one or two like minded philosophers who do and I already feel less lonely. I find that even in a silent room when its just me and the pillow my weary head rests on, I’m still in the loudest and busiest place imaginable. I find the things I don't want to think about replaying themselves like old movies over and over in my mind.

In that moment, right as I’m trying to be normal and right as I’m trying to fall asleep, it's that split second that is the most active moment of my life.

Silence please!

xxx

Is it really best to say nothing at all?

Ever had that crazy moment where you think its okay to just be in that moment and say and do whatever it is that you wanna do? Yeah granted you probably drunk or “Emo” or whatever the fuck but deep down in you heart of hearts, you honestly believe that what you feel and what you are about to say is the Oath to God truth as to what you feel inside and you believe that you need to be honest despite the judgemental looks you know are about to get flung your way or the shut down response you expect to take on the chin, cos you know you just simply cannot keep it in?

Well that was me - I just felt that all bullshit aside it was time to break out of my safe zone and let go with the emotion I so rarely feel. K so it wasn't quite received in the way I had wanted it to be but the response didn't come as a surprise. Funny thing is, I don't think I was really looking for a response more so than looking for a final outlet. I had something to say …. so I said it. I don't want to be that person that keeps things in for fear of looking like an ashole or scaring someone off or because those aren't the rules of the game..... Fuck the game! Fuck all that shit! We only have one life so why not make the most of it. I'm so sick of hearing people go on and on about a life with no regret and who are all about the free world but yet its those same people who are doing nothing to make a difference! Some of them are the most afraid people I know! What happened to going out on a whim? Taking a chance? If at first you don't succeed, well fuck it and TRY AGAIN?!?!

People think I’m crazy and a dork cos I put myself out there and because I don't back down when I believe in something as strong as I do but screw it – I would rather be on the receiving end of every insult they throw at me because they are too gutless to be open and carefree and HONEST! I take risks, I say stupid things, I screw up, I get let down, I get hurt, I get screwed over but hey I am alive! Just because I get pushed to the ground doesn't mean I’m going to stay there. I'm not going to just roll over and give up.

Yeah this is probably all a load of cheese to some and maybe by way of this blog I am somewhat of a coward myself, because I could say more and I don't cos I hide behind my pseudonym, but I really believe that when it counts I wont shut up and I wont keep it in. I will never hurt your feelings but I will never allow you to let me live a life of regret.

There are times I say things and the retaliation and consequence do get me down and make me cry cos I do feel like an ashole for saying it, However, I still maintain that above all else I'd rather look like a dick for saying shit and I'd rather be laughed at for my absolute honesty than live with the regret of never being honest and showing what I feel or believe in.

It is very possible that my sudden departure into the Great Unknown has brought out an even bolder version of me, but man, life is so short and while I’m here I plan to blow bubbles on the beach, dance in a tutu and Uggs, show my roomie how boys underpants work, fall in love, get hurt, work hard, be grateful, dance in the rain, sing out loud even when I don't know the words, tell you what I feel, get mad, cry in the bath, paint even though I don't know how, write down what I feel even if you think it sucks, bust a rhyme in a packed club and a million other things cos I’m here today and I’m here in the moment so fuck, I may as well live it!

Peace out!

xxx

Hey lady!

OMW! I cant believe it! All my life I wanted to walk through the City Centre during my lunch break and get wolf whistled and propositioned! I mean, how lucky am I? Just looking around at all my prospective future husbands – you know the type. There’s the big guy at the top of the construction beam with his crack on full display, there’s the skinny ragamuffin hanging out the taxi window, and of course there’s the weird dude in the suit with the bright colored shirt and crocodile leather print shoes!(this may just be in CT?!?!) FML if only I knew these were my options! Lucky me!

I find it amazing how these men are so open about their emotions and so not afraid of rejection! Incredible! I also find it a real mystery as to why these men are single, or id like to hope so at least given the profanities being thrown in my direction.  (im really hoping you all pick up my undeniable sarcasm here!) Seriously though, what the eff?! I don’t get it! So while my roomie and I take our daily run along the promenade, we have learned to drown out the ever so familiar “hey lady’s” and the oh so obnoxious “run sexy’s” yet we are still brought to a giggle each time, wondering what the hell our literal caller thinks our response would be. I mean guys, really?! Really?! What do you expect? Should I crank up the speed on my gadget running shoes and sprint up to your car window and give you my business card? Or would you prefer I wear my cell phone number on my t-shirt in big black marker? Or, hey, worst comes to worst ill just yell my digits down the street as you speed by and hope the wind doesn’t catch them before you do!

Come on guys! As much as we already know your penis controls the better part of you, let’s try and be somewhat civilized in the presence of a woman who is not dressed like she is asking for it on a street corner. Let us girls grab lunch without comment and let us enjoy our daily exercise without feeling gawked at. If you really find us attractive, come up with a more appropriate approach to getting our attention cos I can assure you – “Hey lady!” – does NOT work!

Tah – rah!

xxx

Dating outside the gene pool...

Wow, its remarkable how many epiphanies and realizations I have on a daily basis! Pity life is just so fast that half of them get lost in my head or I convince myself that fate has eradicated the last harsh dose reality and that all is well in the land of love once more….

Its now my aim to get as many of the epiphanies in black and white so when I go through one of my “I just don’t fucking get it” days I can revert back to my place of solitude and one times Fallen Butterfly can keep me grounded!

So my latest light bulb moment is something that may be so obvious to some, but for a non-conforming, contradictory optimist/ anarchist like myself it took a little longer for the obvious to sink in. Do NOT date outside the Gene Pool!

Yes, yes, yes I get it – Just like the ever so popular “He’s Just Not That Into You!” clearly outlines, there is always the exception and the rule and the most screwed up thing is that of late I keep seeing more and more mismatched couples walking the streets loved up and doe eyed, but its those same couples that on closer inspection, I see are the isolated home bodies. The ones who convince themselves they don’t need friends cos they have each other…. Erm…. Okay then…. High Fives to you, you deluded love canaries!

Which brings me back to my point – Dating all the way back to Noah’s Ark – every animal was brought in two by two – Call it narrow minded if you will but I think there was a reason that a pig and a swan didn’t get their freak on. (Just note right now – this is not a piece relating to race or gender – Its PURELY on personality… ok ok and looks *blush*)

I think it’s the same when it comes to dating – I mean if you’re a Rock chick and you meet a preppy soft dude – you may hit it off and you may have a lot of fun but once you start bringing more of yourselves to the table – Could it really work? I mean – lets take our classic good guy – No edge, no drama, no tattoos, no big muscles or piercings…. And then take our little Cinders – She wears way too much eyeliner, listens to music that is far too angry, gets excited at the sight of metal through flesh and uses language that makes her own mom want to curl up and disappear! How will these two make it work? Initially they’ll be drawn by the curiosity of each others worlds and just how different they are but what happens when they realize there is a reason they aren’t alike? What happens when his family and his peers realize she isn’t like the ones they are used to? When they realize she’s not a lady!

Same situation reversed – What happens when our good girl realizes her bad boy is exactly that – Just Bad?! What happens when her family realizes he is no good and they start loading on the pressure? What if he is Afrikaans and she can barely vloek straight? What happens if she is Christian and he is Atheist? Yes I am the FIRST to admit that it takes all kinds to rule the world and I will only ever embrace individuality and support it to my dying day but does it mean that dating outside the Gene Pool is healthy or should we really just stick with like minded partners who may not entice us by curiosity into their worlds, but rather by the flame of common interest and a mutual respect for each others blended uniqueness!

I realize in saying this (see that’s two epiphanies in like 10 minutes!) that this may imply to some that I go against my own theory of natural selection but its not what I’m saying. See I get if you are SO narrow minded and only stick with one small circle of people that you may think you have scored by dating directly in your own gene pool but be careful of not, for a lack of a better phrase, shitting on your own doorstep! My implication is not to say date your mates or people you grew up with, instead I’m saying branch out and meet someone similar to yourself yet someone who you can still grow with. Date someone who makes you feel good about who you are and puts you first. Don’t date someone for convenience and because you feel you would rather settle than make an effort or put yourself out there.

I see so many people together out of pure convenience it’s scary. I may be single and there may be days I hate it so much, I cant help but let those nasty tears stream down my face but I take solace in this – I would rather be alone and in control than be with someone I didn’t feel challenged me, excited me, adored me and deserved me and that I didn’t have those same feelings for!

So although my particular gene pool may be a little smaller than most and although my human nature steers my rod into other Gene Pools from time to time, I’m certain one day my little matching Nemo will come my way.

Gone Fishing!

xxx