Twisted Cinderella

Sitting on the front steps in my high tops and my party dress, breathing in the last few drags of a Menthol. My short dark fringe falling over my blue eyes, and my eye liner slightly smudged.... I'm just a Twisted Cinderella. Flowing out from inside I can hear the guitar strings of Angus Young and the shrill chorus of ACDC'S Thunderstruck. I stick my cigarette between my lips and I dramatically strum on my air guitar... After a few wicked moves of my tattooed wrist, I raise my glass to the odd lonely tramp walking down the road and high five the drunken blondes falling out the doors and into cabs. I look around and wonder if this is really it. If this is where I’m meant to be.

Twisted Cinderella. Untouchable. Restless and wild. Waiting for someone to understand. Iron clad heart apparently. Emotionally shut off from the rest of the world (I think those were the words used) I feel what I feel when I want to feel it. It may sound childish to some and I may seem cut off to others. You may not understand my black finger nails or my passion to cover my arm in tattoos. You may not get my crazy hair or accept my crazy laugh. You may not find my dancing around my lounge in a fire engine red wig and a leopard print dress on a Saturday night, amusing and you may find my writing boring and monotonous but in all honesty screw you if you don't get me. I don't care. Its not your approval I seek. Its not your opinion that matters. Wearing a bikini and rain boots while blowing bubbles in the sun is what makes me happy. And call me selfish but since its my life I’m all I care about at this point. Don't use my craziness to make yourself feel better and stop thinking you can save me cos you cant. I don't need saving. I'm happy with my life and I’m happy being slightly off key. I'm weird at times I get. I am a HUGE contradiction – this I know. Stop telling me what to feel and stop assuming you know what I want. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I have to be soft and fall in love. You cant possibly know what I want if you don't even truly know me.

Maybe this is just me and this is just what I want.... to sit out here in my party dress and my high tops, sucking on a cigarette, outside in the moonlight alone and free. With an arm full of ink and a head full of random thoughts. So if you looking for a perfect princess who follows the rules and always looks perfect and has a great body and long eyelashes to bat while she agrees with every word you say, keep on going because all that's here is a Twisted Cinderella. 

Rock on Individuality!!

xxx

What is a plan?

A plan is typically any diagram or list of steps with timing and resources, used to achieve an objective. One could also look up strategy. It is commonly understood as a temporal set of intended actions, through which one expects to achieve a goal.

Its funny how your whole life you get taught and prepped to have a “plan”. We go to school so we can be well prepared and educated for our future plans. Twelve damn years we invest in this “plan” We get party invites so we can plan to be free on that date. We plan our outfits and match our shoes. We get engaged with a plan to be married. We go off birth control so we can plan a family. We work hard so we can plan to have a nice house and car. We budget for holidays so we can plan a trip. We have Retirement annuities and policies so we plan ahead for our old age.

But realistically now, how often does it seem that the plans we have for ourselves ever go as “planned”. It’s such a contradiction when a plan doesn’t go accordingly and then we get hit with the harsh reality and my most un-favorite line in the world – “that’s life”! WTF?! What’s the point? We spend so much time planning and prepping and then in one day, in one instant, everything you thought was yours for the taking or everything you worked your ass off to achieve gets pulled from under you – the first thing we have to do, is come up with a new plan! It doesn’t matter how spontaneous or how fun we may be – everyone always needs a plan. And it doesn’t matter how strong you are or how quickly you bounce back – it always sucks to know your plan fell apart.

I remember being 13 and being too sick to attend a school disco to see some boy I thought was so cute , with his wiry curls and big brown eyes – It felt like my world had ended… Holy ratballs, if only I knew then what I know now. Coulda saved all the tears and “woe is me” puppy dog faces for the real stuff. The big plan – the one where you don’t get the dream apartment you been busting your balls to afford or the promotion you worked late nights and smiled at your boss so big for, that you went home with aching cheeks for weeks on end. The car that fell apart on you, and let you down when you needed it most. The month you finally earned enough to save a little extra to splurge and really spoil yourself only to find your washing machine broke and your geyser is leaking so you have to pay for that instead.

Eff me - some times life can be cruel and really have the last laugh but I guess its all relative. Along with being to taught to plan we are also taught to be optimistic, believing and have faith. We are taught to look for silver linings and to be mature enough to straighten up little soldier and stiffen up that upper lip because when one door closes another one opens. Funny how no time frame is given on the new door opening or which door to go through so when do so you don’t land up falling down another Rabbit hole.

*Sigh* Being a grown up is sometimes really hard work. I remember wishing with all my might to be 21 so I can live in my own house and make up my own rules. Shit I never even considered that meant paying my own bills and cleaning my own laundry. Catching my own spiders and painting my own walls. When the bathroom light blows and you have to light candles just so you don’t fall in the loo and when the curtain rail falls and you cant get it up again because you too small or have arms like jelly – It really doesn’t seem as much fun….

But all I can say now, sitting here feeling like a pile of dog poo ‘cos none of my plans seem to be coming together as quick as I’d like or as organized as I’d hoped, is that thank God I have parents who continuously teach me that belief, faith, positive thinking and love really can get you through mountains of shit. Parents that teach me that silver linings do exist and that no matter how many rabbit holes I fall down there is always a way out and always someone to lean on when times seem shitty and plans seems useless.

Give it up ladies and gents for my mom and dad! So today I say Fuck it – Its Friday and for the next two days (okay except for the “planned” football match tomorrow) I will make NO PLANS at all.

TGIF sheep!

xxx

Buttons

Today I lost my best friend. Today I had to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I had to decide what was right for you and put my own feelings aside. Today I lost my companion. I had to give MY angel back to God so he could give her wings and breathe her life back into her poor old body. I know not everyone gets it and they say if you just not a dog person you probably just wont get it but Buttons, you were truly my truest, most special companion. No matter what happened you were always there by side. If you weed where you shouldn't have or chewed something that was mine, it didn't matter if I got cross with you, two minutes later you were back in my lap giving me loves and licks.

People say I gave you a great last few years during your “retirement” but the way I see it is that you actually gave me a great time. Its amazing how much I learnt through you. I have learnt that some things really are just that much more important. I learnt that it doesn't matter what people think so long as you believe and so long as you love. Some laughed at my tattoo and thought I was crazy but you will always be a huge part of me and now its just one more reminder.

I never thought it was possible to love anything or anyone so much but my love for you is still unconditional. Mom didn't wanna see you suffer and mom didn't want to see you hurt so mom had to make a call. I'm gutted that I wont get to cuddle you and kiss you again and it kills me that I wont see your little face waiting at the door for me when I come home. It kills me that I wont hear you softly snoring next my bed and it breaks me that I wont get to laugh at your funny faces and stretching noises in the mornings. It breaks my heart that all I have left now are photos and memories but I would rather feel all this hurt myself than ever bear to look at your little face with those big brown eyes and know that your pain was silenced.

So today mommy had to say goodbye to you and even though its breaking my heart, I know I did right by you my precious pup.

Mom loves you always!

RIP Buttons my little Furball!

xxx

Take your best shot!

Life is like a....... Oh hell what do I know. I'm just an extremely complex 28 yr old with too many fairies, dreams and knights in shining armour clouding my vision.

I am struggling to even understand me as a person, so how the hell am I expected to understand life as a whole? Sometimes I think I just have cotton candy for brains and butter for judgement. Yup you guessed it – I am the worlds worst judge of character you will ever meet in your life. Its not hard for me too see the good in people but its hard to see the people who are good for me.

I guess I'm back at that stage of my life where I'm just a confused lost soul restlessly wondering life's boundaries, searching for life's answers. I'm one big ,soft hearted, hard assed contradiction. Too hard with the people that love me and too soft with the idiots who don't. Where's the happy medium?

Like the infamous Forest Gump's mom said – Life is like a box of chocolates. Hah more like people are like a box of chocolates. You never know which ones you gonna pick. And no matter how hard you examine the box, the damn chocolate company go and change all the designs whereby we are able to recognise our favourites. Damn them!

It's funny though – If I sit back and think about all the different people I have let in my life over the years, friends, boyfriends, colleagues – it doesn't really matter which ones hurt me and which ones walked out – they all came into my life for a reason an they all, through their own individual relationships with me, somehow taught me a lesson. Made me harder, stronger. Made me more cautious and less naïve. But it doesn't matter how many bad things have happened and how hard I have become I still have the three things I need to get me through my life. Hope, Faith and Love.

I still believe in fairy tales and happy endings and I still believe that there are more good people out there than bad in the world. I still believe that everyone deserves a second chance and that no one deserves to be hurt or made to feel insignificant.

It doesn’t matter what the world throws at me and it doesn't matter how complex or confused I ever may be, I have the advantage of seeing the best in just about everything, and my bouts of despondency only last for a short while, before my smile returns and I'm back to daydreaming of knights on white horses and happily ever afters and for that I say – Go on – take your best shot!

Rainbows and Butterflies! 

Its not personal.. Its just me...

Geez sometimes I can be a real dick! Its like my filter just switches off and there is nothing there to process what I feel and what I say. If only I were like new technology where I could buy myself add on parts and upgrades. (I would definitely swipe a filter on my card and not think twice!) I would even be happy to just be able to put myself on standby or sleep mode when I get like this...

I vowed I would never get Emo on my blog but since this is my release and my ,seemingly, only way of actually dealing with anything emotional here goes...

I'm mad at myself! I get so ridiculously stupidly emotionally stubborn and instead of telling the people I love how I feel I decide it best to rather keep it in and push people away. The more sad I get the ruder I become and the further I push those around me. Every time I leave home my hearts breaks a little more but instead of telling this to the people I love,l always managed to piss them off and push them away on my last day. Talk about the worlds best construction worker – just put me in a bad situation where tears may spill and watch how quickly I build a wall. Worst thing is I don't just build walls high enough to keep people out – I build them so high ,even I, find it hard to climb back over.

I become emotionally stunted and I shut down on every level.... Why? And am I the only person who gets this way and I am a bitch for not wanting to feel every single bit of hurt and pain that life has to offer? Yes - I get insecure and scared and I have days where I don't feel good enough for even myself let alone the rest of the world but do I have to stamp it on my face for everyone to see? Why cant I just retreat into my little hole and feel what I feel in private or better yet just throw on a CD and not feel at all. Sit back and rock out until the dust has settled and my world is happily rotating on its own little axis once again...

Sucky part is I don't just get like this with my family – I get like this with everyone, anyone in fact. And the more people try and help the worse I get... Maybe I am just that fiercely independent and guarded that I feel this is the best way to handle things - who the hell knows... I used to think I was just a melodramatic teenager and I would grow out of it but apparently years on, I'm still just emotionally inept, little me... All I can say is I am trying... and all I can ask is for those around me to be patient with me and please not take it personally.

So take this as a public apology to all of those who have felt the wrath of the stubborn, petulant child in me who is just to proud to cry or show my sadness to those around me. I get that I am an emotional contradiction and I am and always will be a “work in progress” .

Peace and love Homies!! 

 

Bye House....

Perched on my suitcase in the middle of the floor of my old bedroom, I'm fighting back the tears! I have been in this home for like 25 years. Granted, the last few I have been somewhat of a visitor but still all the memories and all of my most sacred and prized possessions fall inside the walls of this house. From the “I heart B.J.B” in the inside of my cupboard to the stained purple skirting from when I went through my passion for lavender and would not accept my bedroom walls any other colour. The skirting in the bathroom where the loose nail got wedged in my knee in a game of “Horsie” with my brother. The back garden where my brother I camped and I smacked him in the nose with the tent pole. The pool where we used to play games and makes big splashes to drive each other crazy.

We have had so many birthday parties and celebrations in this home. From clowns when we were young to sleep overs and eventually co-ed dance parties. Not to mention the parties we had that my parents have no idea about.... Well.. until now that is... :) Broken fingers and broken glass in the pool. Our friends have always referred to our home as their home away from home and as I sit here now and look around I cant believe its almost all over.

This was the place we all gathered when we found out Granny had cancer. The place we all came to mourn when we lost Papu and then gran just a short while later. Its the place my gran lived with us and where our bond just got that much tighter. This is where we had our rabbits, our fish, our hamsters, our birds and all our dogs. Where we used to eat ice cream in the sunshine and play catch in the front garden before we had to put walls up.

Unfortunately there are some dark times here too but no matter what this has always been home. We used to bunk school and come and hide out here. We would have lunch and watch some tv and head back to the hole in the fence again. On Saturdays the girls used to gather round my room and overcrowd my bathroom for girls night out. Clothes strewn across the bed and make up and accessories for as far as the eye can see. We used to come home at ridiculous hours the next morning and all pile on my bed and sleep off the “one too many” tequilas. When Rory moved out and dad turned his old bedroom into a lounge for me n the girls to hang out – in came the inflatable couches and out came the vodka... we would sit and chat and screech for hours on end about boys and work and all sorts of crap we could come with in my new “bachelorette” pad.

My farewell was held here with all my close friends and family and also my 21^st. Laughs and jokes and scary stories shared out in the back garden by the fire pit... We have bashed down walls and extended rooms. Not so long ago I was sitting with dad, christening his new bar with some Johnny Walker, now we have to pack up the bottles and take the pictures from the walls. The bathrooms that my parents let me helped pick the tiles and colours for... The Peach tree outside where I used to “run away” too whenever I was in trouble for breaking some thing or doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing (Yup you guessed – I spent a lot of time in that tree)

As I grew older I would sit out by the pool in the moonlight secretly puffing on a ciggie putting pen to paper.

On Sundays as a child - I used to build huge Barbie houses all over my bedroom floor and spend hours in there alone talking to myself and playing with all my dolls. Strapping my “babies” in my moms old escort and taking them “shopping”. LOL – Playing “school School” and building huge road and train tracks in the garage !

Geez this house has so many memories I could go on and on and on but for now I'm just going to sit here on my suitcase and shed a little tear in solitude and say farewell to the place I have called home for 3/4's of my life...

I know change is inevitable and I know change is good but for now I just want to sit here and say good bye to my house.

Farewell Housie!

No place like home...

So I'm a on plane flying back to my Home town of Johannesburg and although this plane is shaking and I'm shitting myself, just praying that we land soon – You see I may be frequent flyer but it doesn't make me any less scared of flying.... so anyway I'm on this plane - Aisle 30, Seat C right at the back (there is a little girl to my right who looks exactly like Snooki its frightening) and as the excitement starts building up I cant help but go on that little trip down memory lane.

The adventure that came to be me, Candice, the mommy n daddy's girl - irresponsible, reckless wild child, moving to and surviving in the Mother City all alone. 4 years later I still sometimes cant grasp the reality of the situation. Its almost like your body just goes on auto pilot and you just get safely carried along the path you chose for yourself. Sometimes I feel stupid for allowing myself to pack up my whole life and leave my home for the reasons I did but then I look back at all that I have accomplished in the last 4 years and I cant help but feel so damn proud!

Before I left home I couldn’t boil an egg! Literally! If I was left to fend for myself, I could survive off cup of soup and 2 minute noodles (made in the microwave - might I add) for days.... I had no idea how to do a load of washing and paying bills and getting to bed on time were all somewhat of a challenge to me. My first load of washing, resulted in one pre wash white hoodie that ended up pink post wash, two shrunken vests and an alarming amount of lost socks but all in all it ended better than I woulda thought. My first home cooked meal wasn’t so lucky – Note to all: Trying to make a seafood pasta as your first meal is not really a good idea. (Read: Don't eat it just cos you made it if it doesn’t taste right! - I still cant face a seafood pasta without feeling a bit faint! )

Anyhoo, so unbeknown to me my wicked, wicked family took bets as to how long the lost child would last in Cape Town for. I think the general consensus was roughly 3 months of partying, a possible fleeting romance and then either boredom or a broken heart would steer me back on my route home. Hmmm... well as I said earlier – its been 4 years and still no such luck. Don't get me wrong – I have endured boredom, done a job switcheroo, had my heart broken, made and lost some friendships – (most of them lost back home), I have moved homes 7 times in these four years and shed more tears in this city than I ever could have imagined I was capable. Yet somehow I have this strange connection to my new home. No matter how bad things have got and no matter how much I love my family and friends back home I just cant imagine myself leaving....

After all this place is where I lived in my first little home, the place I crashed my car after 1 too many “I miss home” cocktails, the place I learned to cook my first chicken curry, the place I learned that its okay to spend time on your own with your own thoughts, the place I gained my independence and the place I got to enhance my self expression, its where I fell in love and where I learned sometimes love just isn’t enough, its where I learned that not everything has to be perfect and things don't always work out to a plan. Its the place where I learned that people are not always what you think and who they seem to be. Its where I learned more about what I am capable of as a person and its where I learned that by just being you is okay because as long as you are your best its all you can be and its perfect.

If someone said 4 years ago that I would be the person I am today – I don't think I would have believed them. Call it growing up, and some say, it was inevitable regardless of where I lived but I know in my heart of hearts this is not true. I know that the time spent on my own and the lessons learned all happened the way they were supposed too. I know if I had not broken away from all that I knew and that was comfortable I wouldn’t have been forced to go to the places I went to inside myself.

So as much as I love my home and I am still 100% Joburg n will never let go of the Southern Belle within, I cant help but sit here and smile at how my life has turned out so far. No regrets... If the saying “Home is where the heart is” is true then I have two homes and feel extra super specially blessed!!

Ain't no Burger like a Joburger!!!