Some food for thought for 2012!

To 2012 and all its Resolutions.....

So its that time of year again. The last day of the Old year and the eve of a New one. The time where everyone scrambles around trying to find the perfect dress and the perfect club and the perfect hottie to snog at the stroke of Midnight. As fun as all that sounds (if only you could see the look of excitement i'm wearing on my face right now...) its also the time where the handful of over thinkers and self analysers sit back and look at the last year and all that happened. Its a time of reflection and a time of change. We have a new beginning to look forward to and to embrace and amongst the list of material and casual New Years resolutions such as , “I will give up smoking”, or “no more random hook ups” or “I swear this year ill move out my moms house”, “Buy that car I been eyeing out”, there should be a new set of personal goals one need to look at accomplishing.

For me the last year was a rough one but with a harsh reality check from an almost stranger and the endless fit of tears that followed I had to face the fact that this wasn’t the first I been had been psycho analysed and been fed the same result. In fact over the last year this was all I was hearing. I tried to fight it. Tried to go out of my way to prove people wrong and although I didn't always realise I was consciously doing this, and I have the potential to slip back into that place at any time, I am now at least admitting that this may true.....

They say insanity is hitting your head against a brick wall expecting a different result each time and that's how I have lived this last year. Insanely! I gave no one a chance. I expected everyone to hurt and disappoint me and I convinced myself that I was a stronger person by cutting myself off from the world, when in fact I am the biggest coward alive!

I say I want to make a difference but i'm too scared I fail so I don't try hard enough. I say I don't want a relationship or someone to love me and someone who I can share my love with when I actually I might. I would rather lose that person by being a shell of who I am than take a risk and get hurt by trying anyway. I say people don't phase me but their words sting like a bitch. I say i'm not pretentious and just shy when in fact there are just certain people I don't click with. I say I work hard when in fact I could probably squeeze an extra hour of success out of each day, if not more. I say I wanna see the world but complain that I have to live out of a suitcase. I do get involved in charity however I have so many more hours and volunteering to give.

So for this year I need to let go of all the negative aspects that control me and the biggest thing that has me shackled at this point is TREPIDATION. I so scared of being hurt and disappointed that I am just sailing through life emotionless and untouched. This year may have some nasty stumbling blocks for me but its about time I learn to take a risk. To free fall without a safety net and if it doesn't work..... Well then I'll learn how to get back up, dust myself off and get back out there. I put so much pressure on big events and people that its hard for anyone to compare in real life to what is really going on in my head. I need to just let people be people and make a decision to let the ones who consistently disappoint, leave my life for good.

I spend so much love and energy on people who don't matter when I could concentrate a little more on the ones who do, because the reality is, they wont be around forever.

This year hasn't been all that bad. I made amazing friendships and I have come through a dark time with a big smile on my face (yeah, there were tears.... floods of them but each cry allowed me to rinse my self a little more from all the bad and the change)) and a heart that is now open and ready to embrace new emotion. I have come through hard times without resorting to old habits and I have realised that I actually like more things than I thought I did. I've also realised I like ME a lot more than I thought I did. I have laughed and lived freely but somehow I have still managed to hold back more of myself than I should have.

May 2012 help me to drop the Twisted and just accept I am Cinderella and may this Butterfly no longer be Fallen but very much ,wings spread wide, with the strength and the courage to fly down whichever path my life will take me.

I am worth all the things I deserve and it can only be through my own hands that I can accept these things.

I will let go of the things I cant control as they are out of my control and through the amazing people who have been in my life over the last few months I will be okay.

And if things don't work out the way I had hoped, I will trust in my own courage to let go, scrap that plan and start a new one, for while my heart still beats may I forever have the courage to follow it!

Happy New Year and may 2012 bring out all the love and opportunities each one of us deserve!

Auld Lang Syne

In nothing more than her undies and her favourite black, off the shoulder Santa Jack tee and her infamous snow boots, she cranks the volume up once again and throws her head and back and forth to the violent sounds of Rage Against the Machine, strumming on her air guitar she escapes the world and loses herself in the one passion that moves her more than anything. Her Music. Letting her mind and body move to the rhythm of the bass guitar paired with the pounding of the drums, she yells to the lyrics releasing all her fears, her anger, her frustration of the year she spent the last two hours looking back on.

How did she get here? How did she get from Old Years Eve 2010 to Christmas Eve 2011 without completely falling apart? For a creature of habit, change is a bitter, hard little pill to swallow. The end of an era and the start of a new chapter. Exciting – yes, scary – hell yes! But somehow, looking back at all the change and all the negativity and all the scary shit that went down, she came out of it. She came out of it stronger. She came out of it wiser and braver and more compassionate that she had been in a long time. The lessons to be learned this last year had come fast and hard and at one point, she felt like given up. Packing it all up and making one final change.... a familiar one. Going back to the place she thought she may finally belong. But the lessons didn't stop there. They continued. Crept into her safe zone, came in the form of many things. Patience was tested. Boundaries were pushed. Emotions soared high. But one thing that never faltered throughout this new year was faith.

Like the formidable force it is, it pushed her. Forced her to find her feet, get back up on them and charge back into her own life and take control. Her passion, again, became her driving force. The shit days still came... fast and hard but some how she learnt to cry. She learnt to wash the pain out from inside of her and to cope. To manage her emotions and learn to harness them. She is slowly accepting that even though those rainy days roll around, often or not, and it feels like the life she worked so hard to build will be washed away in the flood that follows, she needs to remember that no matter the damage, she is blessed with the capability to repair and move on. Adapt and survive.

So as she appears now, no longer afraid and alone, with the sound of the rough jagged voices emitting from her stereo, throwing herself around the room like a rag doll she cant help but let the melody and the notes wash over her and feel the rush of excitement as she finally accepts that the old year is nearly done and a bright new beginning is peeking out brightly from just around the corner. Its time to accept and move on that while Out with the old..... its always in with the new...

Happy New Year and God Bless.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

Trust is one of several social constructs, an element of the social reality. Other constructs, frequently discussed together with trust, are: control, confidence, risk, meaning and power. Trust is naturally attributable to relationships between social actors, both individuals and groups (social systems). Because trust is a social construct, it is valid to discuss whether trust can be trusted  i.e. whether social trust operates as expected.

Some trust too easy and some not at all. Some can brush off the uncertainties and risks involved while others can never let go and continue to find it harder and harder to judge the trustworthiness of those around them. But how do we get there? How do we accept the loss of control and put our most prized, most significant and pure and certainly most protected possession in someone else hands? Someone we pray and wish never to lose? 

How do you rewire yourself and bring yourself to start dismantling your armour that has kept you so safe and so protected for the longest time? How do you allow someone to simply stumble into your life, your safe haven, and just start start breaking down your walls one brick at a time without allowing fear and panic to rise up in your throat? 

How, after being so independent and so perfectly lonely for so long, does one surrender all that and rely on another? How do we know who the right ones are too trust and who are the scamsters looking to take us down another path of hurt and disappointment?  How do we open our hearts to the risk and the many things that may go wrong? 

How is it that some gain our trust instantaneously and we never measure to what degree that trust could be shattered because we haven't yet considered the risk, while others, we know, right away the risks involved and the loss may be inevitably follow? How is it easier to trust a complete stranger with a comment or a look yet when someone is trying to gain our trust intentionally we shyly hide behind our pride? And my BIGGEST questions of the day is why when we finally do surrender this trust does it get returned in tiny shattered pieces? 

No one wants to be damaged or broken. No one wants to be angry, or hurt or scared but life isn't always about getting what we want. Its about adapting and surviving. Its about growth and love and passion and just because someone is a little more freaked out than most doesn't necessarily mean they have or always will be that way it just means they need a little extra patience, a little more understanding and  little more love. 

Most of my questions, I will never find answers to and my confusion may never disappear and as foolish as it may seem to want so badly to believe that one person can tear down years of resistance and to wish for a fairytale as hard ass as I may be, its all I can do.... is believe. 

All I can hope for is that one day someone strong and genuine will bulldoze that wall to the ground and show me that the one I find the hardest to believe in the one thing they will provide and never falter on and that i will never have to rebuild a wall again.....

Till then all I can do is try......

Twisted Cinderella

Sitting on the front steps in my high tops and my party dress, breathing in the last few drags of a Menthol. My short dark fringe falling over my blue eyes, and my eye liner slightly smudged.... I'm just a Twisted Cinderella. Flowing out from inside I can hear the guitar strings of Angus Young and the shrill chorus of ACDC'S Thunderstruck. I stick my cigarette between my lips and I dramatically strum on my air guitar... After a few wicked moves of my tattooed wrist, I raise my glass to the odd lonely tramp walking down the road and high five the drunken blondes falling out the doors and into cabs. I look around and wonder if this is really it. If this is where I’m meant to be.

Twisted Cinderella. Untouchable. Restless and wild. Waiting for someone to understand. Iron clad heart apparently. Emotionally shut off from the rest of the world (I think those were the words used) I feel what I feel when I want to feel it. It may sound childish to some and I may seem cut off to others. You may not understand my black finger nails or my passion to cover my arm in tattoos. You may not get my crazy hair or accept my crazy laugh. You may not find my dancing around my lounge in a fire engine red wig and a leopard print dress on a Saturday night, amusing and you may find my writing boring and monotonous but in all honesty screw you if you don't get me. I don't care. Its not your approval I seek. Its not your opinion that matters. Wearing a bikini and rain boots while blowing bubbles in the sun is what makes me happy. And call me selfish but since its my life I’m all I care about at this point. Don't use my craziness to make yourself feel better and stop thinking you can save me cos you cant. I don't need saving. I'm happy with my life and I’m happy being slightly off key. I'm weird at times I get. I am a HUGE contradiction – this I know. Stop telling me what to feel and stop assuming you know what I want. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I have to be soft and fall in love. You cant possibly know what I want if you don't even truly know me.

Maybe this is just me and this is just what I want.... to sit out here in my party dress and my high tops, sucking on a cigarette, outside in the moonlight alone and free. With an arm full of ink and a head full of random thoughts. So if you looking for a perfect princess who follows the rules and always looks perfect and has a great body and long eyelashes to bat while she agrees with every word you say, keep on going because all that's here is a Twisted Cinderella. 

Rock on Individuality!!

xxx

What is a plan?

A plan is typically any diagram or list of steps with timing and resources, used to achieve an objective. One could also look up strategy. It is commonly understood as a temporal set of intended actions, through which one expects to achieve a goal.

Its funny how your whole life you get taught and prepped to have a “plan”. We go to school so we can be well prepared and educated for our future plans. Twelve damn years we invest in this “plan” We get party invites so we can plan to be free on that date. We plan our outfits and match our shoes. We get engaged with a plan to be married. We go off birth control so we can plan a family. We work hard so we can plan to have a nice house and car. We budget for holidays so we can plan a trip. We have Retirement annuities and policies so we plan ahead for our old age.

But realistically now, how often does it seem that the plans we have for ourselves ever go as “planned”. It’s such a contradiction when a plan doesn’t go accordingly and then we get hit with the harsh reality and my most un-favorite line in the world – “that’s life”! WTF?! What’s the point? We spend so much time planning and prepping and then in one day, in one instant, everything you thought was yours for the taking or everything you worked your ass off to achieve gets pulled from under you – the first thing we have to do, is come up with a new plan! It doesn’t matter how spontaneous or how fun we may be – everyone always needs a plan. And it doesn’t matter how strong you are or how quickly you bounce back – it always sucks to know your plan fell apart.

I remember being 13 and being too sick to attend a school disco to see some boy I thought was so cute , with his wiry curls and big brown eyes – It felt like my world had ended… Holy ratballs, if only I knew then what I know now. Coulda saved all the tears and “woe is me” puppy dog faces for the real stuff. The big plan – the one where you don’t get the dream apartment you been busting your balls to afford or the promotion you worked late nights and smiled at your boss so big for, that you went home with aching cheeks for weeks on end. The car that fell apart on you, and let you down when you needed it most. The month you finally earned enough to save a little extra to splurge and really spoil yourself only to find your washing machine broke and your geyser is leaking so you have to pay for that instead.

Eff me - some times life can be cruel and really have the last laugh but I guess its all relative. Along with being to taught to plan we are also taught to be optimistic, believing and have faith. We are taught to look for silver linings and to be mature enough to straighten up little soldier and stiffen up that upper lip because when one door closes another one opens. Funny how no time frame is given on the new door opening or which door to go through so when do so you don’t land up falling down another Rabbit hole.

*Sigh* Being a grown up is sometimes really hard work. I remember wishing with all my might to be 21 so I can live in my own house and make up my own rules. Shit I never even considered that meant paying my own bills and cleaning my own laundry. Catching my own spiders and painting my own walls. When the bathroom light blows and you have to light candles just so you don’t fall in the loo and when the curtain rail falls and you cant get it up again because you too small or have arms like jelly – It really doesn’t seem as much fun….

But all I can say now, sitting here feeling like a pile of dog poo ‘cos none of my plans seem to be coming together as quick as I’d like or as organized as I’d hoped, is that thank God I have parents who continuously teach me that belief, faith, positive thinking and love really can get you through mountains of shit. Parents that teach me that silver linings do exist and that no matter how many rabbit holes I fall down there is always a way out and always someone to lean on when times seem shitty and plans seems useless.

Give it up ladies and gents for my mom and dad! So today I say Fuck it – Its Friday and for the next two days (okay except for the “planned” football match tomorrow) I will make NO PLANS at all.

TGIF sheep!

xxx

Buttons

Today I lost my best friend. Today I had to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I had to decide what was right for you and put my own feelings aside. Today I lost my companion. I had to give MY angel back to God so he could give her wings and breathe her life back into her poor old body. I know not everyone gets it and they say if you just not a dog person you probably just wont get it but Buttons, you were truly my truest, most special companion. No matter what happened you were always there by side. If you weed where you shouldn't have or chewed something that was mine, it didn't matter if I got cross with you, two minutes later you were back in my lap giving me loves and licks.

People say I gave you a great last few years during your “retirement” but the way I see it is that you actually gave me a great time. Its amazing how much I learnt through you. I have learnt that some things really are just that much more important. I learnt that it doesn't matter what people think so long as you believe and so long as you love. Some laughed at my tattoo and thought I was crazy but you will always be a huge part of me and now its just one more reminder.

I never thought it was possible to love anything or anyone so much but my love for you is still unconditional. Mom didn't wanna see you suffer and mom didn't want to see you hurt so mom had to make a call. I'm gutted that I wont get to cuddle you and kiss you again and it kills me that I wont see your little face waiting at the door for me when I come home. It kills me that I wont hear you softly snoring next my bed and it breaks me that I wont get to laugh at your funny faces and stretching noises in the mornings. It breaks my heart that all I have left now are photos and memories but I would rather feel all this hurt myself than ever bear to look at your little face with those big brown eyes and know that your pain was silenced.

So today mommy had to say goodbye to you and even though its breaking my heart, I know I did right by you my precious pup.

Mom loves you always!

RIP Buttons my little Furball!

xxx