Is it really best to say nothing at all?

Ever had that crazy moment where you think its okay to just be in that moment and say and do whatever it is that you wanna do? Yeah granted you probably drunk or “Emo” or whatever the fuck but deep down in you heart of hearts, you honestly believe that what you feel and what you are about to say is the Oath to God truth as to what you feel inside and you believe that you need to be honest despite the judgemental looks you know are about to get flung your way or the shut down response you expect to take on the chin, cos you know you just simply cannot keep it in?

Well that was me - I just felt that all bullshit aside it was time to break out of my safe zone and let go with the emotion I so rarely feel. K so it wasn't quite received in the way I had wanted it to be but the response didn't come as a surprise. Funny thing is, I don't think I was really looking for a response more so than looking for a final outlet. I had something to say …. so I said it. I don't want to be that person that keeps things in for fear of looking like an ashole or scaring someone off or because those aren't the rules of the game..... Fuck the game! Fuck all that shit! We only have one life so why not make the most of it. I'm so sick of hearing people go on and on about a life with no regret and who are all about the free world but yet its those same people who are doing nothing to make a difference! Some of them are the most afraid people I know! What happened to going out on a whim? Taking a chance? If at first you don't succeed, well fuck it and TRY AGAIN?!?!

People think I’m crazy and a dork cos I put myself out there and because I don't back down when I believe in something as strong as I do but screw it – I would rather be on the receiving end of every insult they throw at me because they are too gutless to be open and carefree and HONEST! I take risks, I say stupid things, I screw up, I get let down, I get hurt, I get screwed over but hey I am alive! Just because I get pushed to the ground doesn't mean I’m going to stay there. I'm not going to just roll over and give up.

Yeah this is probably all a load of cheese to some and maybe by way of this blog I am somewhat of a coward myself, because I could say more and I don't cos I hide behind my pseudonym, but I really believe that when it counts I wont shut up and I wont keep it in. I will never hurt your feelings but I will never allow you to let me live a life of regret.

There are times I say things and the retaliation and consequence do get me down and make me cry cos I do feel like an ashole for saying it, However, I still maintain that above all else I'd rather look like a dick for saying shit and I'd rather be laughed at for my absolute honesty than live with the regret of never being honest and showing what I feel or believe in.

It is very possible that my sudden departure into the Great Unknown has brought out an even bolder version of me, but man, life is so short and while I’m here I plan to blow bubbles on the beach, dance in a tutu and Uggs, show my roomie how boys underpants work, fall in love, get hurt, work hard, be grateful, dance in the rain, sing out loud even when I don't know the words, tell you what I feel, get mad, cry in the bath, paint even though I don't know how, write down what I feel even if you think it sucks, bust a rhyme in a packed club and a million other things cos I’m here today and I’m here in the moment so fuck, I may as well live it!

Peace out!

xxx

Hey lady!

OMW! I cant believe it! All my life I wanted to walk through the City Centre during my lunch break and get wolf whistled and propositioned! I mean, how lucky am I? Just looking around at all my prospective future husbands – you know the type. There’s the big guy at the top of the construction beam with his crack on full display, there’s the skinny ragamuffin hanging out the taxi window, and of course there’s the weird dude in the suit with the bright colored shirt and crocodile leather print shoes!(this may just be in CT?!?!) FML if only I knew these were my options! Lucky me!

I find it amazing how these men are so open about their emotions and so not afraid of rejection! Incredible! I also find it a real mystery as to why these men are single, or id like to hope so at least given the profanities being thrown in my direction.  (im really hoping you all pick up my undeniable sarcasm here!) Seriously though, what the eff?! I don’t get it! So while my roomie and I take our daily run along the promenade, we have learned to drown out the ever so familiar “hey lady’s” and the oh so obnoxious “run sexy’s” yet we are still brought to a giggle each time, wondering what the hell our literal caller thinks our response would be. I mean guys, really?! Really?! What do you expect? Should I crank up the speed on my gadget running shoes and sprint up to your car window and give you my business card? Or would you prefer I wear my cell phone number on my t-shirt in big black marker? Or, hey, worst comes to worst ill just yell my digits down the street as you speed by and hope the wind doesn’t catch them before you do!

Come on guys! As much as we already know your penis controls the better part of you, let’s try and be somewhat civilized in the presence of a woman who is not dressed like she is asking for it on a street corner. Let us girls grab lunch without comment and let us enjoy our daily exercise without feeling gawked at. If you really find us attractive, come up with a more appropriate approach to getting our attention cos I can assure you – “Hey lady!” – does NOT work!

Tah – rah!

xxx

Dating outside the gene pool...

Wow, its remarkable how many epiphanies and realizations I have on a daily basis! Pity life is just so fast that half of them get lost in my head or I convince myself that fate has eradicated the last harsh dose reality and that all is well in the land of love once more….

Its now my aim to get as many of the epiphanies in black and white so when I go through one of my “I just don’t fucking get it” days I can revert back to my place of solitude and one times Fallen Butterfly can keep me grounded!

So my latest light bulb moment is something that may be so obvious to some, but for a non-conforming, contradictory optimist/ anarchist like myself it took a little longer for the obvious to sink in. Do NOT date outside the Gene Pool!

Yes, yes, yes I get it – Just like the ever so popular “He’s Just Not That Into You!” clearly outlines, there is always the exception and the rule and the most screwed up thing is that of late I keep seeing more and more mismatched couples walking the streets loved up and doe eyed, but its those same couples that on closer inspection, I see are the isolated home bodies. The ones who convince themselves they don’t need friends cos they have each other…. Erm…. Okay then…. High Fives to you, you deluded love canaries!

Which brings me back to my point – Dating all the way back to Noah’s Ark – every animal was brought in two by two – Call it narrow minded if you will but I think there was a reason that a pig and a swan didn’t get their freak on. (Just note right now – this is not a piece relating to race or gender – Its PURELY on personality… ok ok and looks *blush*)

I think it’s the same when it comes to dating – I mean if you’re a Rock chick and you meet a preppy soft dude – you may hit it off and you may have a lot of fun but once you start bringing more of yourselves to the table – Could it really work? I mean – lets take our classic good guy – No edge, no drama, no tattoos, no big muscles or piercings…. And then take our little Cinders – She wears way too much eyeliner, listens to music that is far too angry, gets excited at the sight of metal through flesh and uses language that makes her own mom want to curl up and disappear! How will these two make it work? Initially they’ll be drawn by the curiosity of each others worlds and just how different they are but what happens when they realize there is a reason they aren’t alike? What happens when his family and his peers realize she isn’t like the ones they are used to? When they realize she’s not a lady!

Same situation reversed – What happens when our good girl realizes her bad boy is exactly that – Just Bad?! What happens when her family realizes he is no good and they start loading on the pressure? What if he is Afrikaans and she can barely vloek straight? What happens if she is Christian and he is Atheist? Yes I am the FIRST to admit that it takes all kinds to rule the world and I will only ever embrace individuality and support it to my dying day but does it mean that dating outside the Gene Pool is healthy or should we really just stick with like minded partners who may not entice us by curiosity into their worlds, but rather by the flame of common interest and a mutual respect for each others blended uniqueness!

I realize in saying this (see that’s two epiphanies in like 10 minutes!) that this may imply to some that I go against my own theory of natural selection but its not what I’m saying. See I get if you are SO narrow minded and only stick with one small circle of people that you may think you have scored by dating directly in your own gene pool but be careful of not, for a lack of a better phrase, shitting on your own doorstep! My implication is not to say date your mates or people you grew up with, instead I’m saying branch out and meet someone similar to yourself yet someone who you can still grow with. Date someone who makes you feel good about who you are and puts you first. Don’t date someone for convenience and because you feel you would rather settle than make an effort or put yourself out there.

I see so many people together out of pure convenience it’s scary. I may be single and there may be days I hate it so much, I cant help but let those nasty tears stream down my face but I take solace in this – I would rather be alone and in control than be with someone I didn’t feel challenged me, excited me, adored me and deserved me and that I didn’t have those same feelings for!

So although my particular gene pool may be a little smaller than most and although my human nature steers my rod into other Gene Pools from time to time, I’m certain one day my little matching Nemo will come my way.

Gone Fishing!

xxx

Perspective!

Its so funny – Being a frequent flyer and still after 100’s of flights, being so afraid. Today doesn’t seem so different. Sweaty palms, quick breathes, feeling hotter than usual and my tummy filled with a million little butterflies. As I take my seat in the plane and strap myself in something hits me and hard as I try and hold it in, I cant. Tears streaming down my face as I realize its not the flight ahead that has my body responding, it’s everything being left behind.

Through a series of unfortunate events that kick started my new year I made a last minute decision to head back home for some mommy n daddy cuddles and a lil bit of a soul search in between. I had no doubt my folks would provide soothing comfort as they always do but what was to be the next 10 days that followed. I never saw coming!

My heart is so hugely swollen with pride right now and although I often speak about being blessed to have two homes. Home really is where the heart is and after only a few hours I discovered the heart I left behind!

What started off as weekend trip to lay poolside at the rentals by day and hang out with ol friends and a bottle of Jack in the evenings, turned into an emotional rollercoaster and an eye opening realization of just how abundantly blessed I am in my life. What I thought would be bar side banter quickly shifted into prophetic advice and loving psycho analysis’. These convos coming from anyone else would have sent me off the deep end but somehow hearing my full name being used and the familiar voice from where it came, all the little home truths didn’t seem as bad.

In fact if I’m totally honest through all the partying and the lack of sleep and overwhelming attention and support I was given these last 10 days, it was surprisingly so clear where everyone was coming from. It was easy to understand advice being spoken in a language I could connect with emotionally. Knowing the advice was being given in my best interest and not in everyone else’s, I discovered a strength I had forgotten about and I found it really hard remembering all the reasons I was so adamant I had for leaving Joburg initially.

Fair enough this was a short stay trip, that left me feeling fulfilled and like I was a part of something big again and socializing in my native tongue left me breathless and excited, so it may be so that this feeling will wear off and the attention may disappear but before the glitter and sparkles evaporate I want to thank everyone who had a part in my most awesome trip back to Jozi to date!

Rock On Hometown!!

xxx

Everyone wants to believe...

Life can be so bitter sweet more often than not! One great amazing thing happens and then it doesnt take long before some crap thing comes along like a great big avalanche and totally knocks the wind from your sails, it always seems.

When someone tells you they love you, of course you going to believe them. I mean honestly, who doesnt want to be loved? Even the hard asses like myself who say they dont want relationships, want to be loved. So when some one amazing and funny and special comes along and makes you feel so good and so happy and they tell you they love you, how can you not buy into that? No one goes into a relationship thinking of failure. (well unless you a commitmo -tard like me!) but in general, when you go into the love bubble your future looks bright and fuzzy and everything has a twinge of warmth and every colour seems that much brighter. Bleak rainy days turn into cuddle fests and party nights turn into date nights. Every thing changes and in your mind its all for the better. Its all because you're in love and all you can look towards is the bright future you two will share and how you'll grow old together and be happy forever after.

You make a choice as two independent individuals to blend two lives and create a new joint one. Its all so special, so intimate and so beautiful..... until it isn't.

One morning you wake up and you find your rose coloured glasses ripped from your face and your heart that was once so swollen with love is now left like a gaping hole of nothingness in your chest. Hurt and pain ride your veins and your head has cleared all the cotton candy mushiness and been replaced with spinning confusion. The butterflies have exited your tummy leaving you feeling hollow and empty.

How did you get here? You keep asking yourself that question over and over! How the fuck did I get here? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Was I a bad person? Was I mean? Do I smell funny? What is it? The pain and confusion and the hurt and the anger drive you mad! Some have expertly learned to deal with a broken heart and get by swiftly and easily while the rest of us are left lonely and shattered for months or years to come!

Some people find it hard to trust, so when theirs is crumpled and torn, they cant believe what happened. They cant cope with the change and the lack of closure or lack of ability to understand how one can hurt you and murder your dreams for a happy ending with no rhyme or reason. Some people are sick and cruel and twisted and don't think twice about the trail of hurt and deception they leave lingering behind them. Some are callous and severe in what they say and others will try and give feeble excuses. Some are even nice to you after they rip out your heart but honestly what the fuck does it matter what type of dream killer you are – you all achieve the same result in the end and you all leave the same damage behind for someone else to deal with.

How do people fall in and out of love? Either you are in love or you aren't?! You can only stop loving someone because you didn't try or you didn't work on it by getting to know your respective other. Even if you do fall out of love – surely its a gradual process not just a “wake up one morning and the love is gone”! I mean if you fall out of that love that quickly then surely it was never really love to start off with?

I'm not angry at love, like so many people seem to think and it doesn't disgust me as much as some choose to believe, I’m angry at the small people who choose to hide behind a word to get what they want or to avoid accountability. Does love scare me? Hell yes! Do I believe in love? Hell yes! Do I want to fall in love? Hell yes! But for me the love part only really makes up for a percentage of the fuzzy feeling because no matter how much you want to believe love exists you need to know that respect and trust are right there with cupids favourite emotion!

Faith Hope Love!

xxx