To 2012 and all its Resolutions.....

So its that time of year again. The last day of the Old year and the eve of a New one. The time where everyone scrambles around trying to find the perfect dress and the perfect club and the perfect hottie to snog at the stroke of Midnight. As fun as all that sounds (if only you could see the look of excitement i'm wearing on my face right now...) its also the time where the handful of over thinkers and self analysers sit back and look at the last year and all that happened. Its a time of reflection and a time of change. We have a new beginning to look forward to and to embrace and amongst the list of material and casual New Years resolutions such as , “I will give up smoking”, or “no more random hook ups” or “I swear this year ill move out my moms house”, “Buy that car I been eyeing out”, there should be a new set of personal goals one need to look at accomplishing.

For me the last year was a rough one but with a harsh reality check from an almost stranger and the endless fit of tears that followed I had to face the fact that this wasn’t the first I been had been psycho analysed and been fed the same result. In fact over the last year this was all I was hearing. I tried to fight it. Tried to go out of my way to prove people wrong and although I didn't always realise I was consciously doing this, and I have the potential to slip back into that place at any time, I am now at least admitting that this may true.....

They say insanity is hitting your head against a brick wall expecting a different result each time and that's how I have lived this last year. Insanely! I gave no one a chance. I expected everyone to hurt and disappoint me and I convinced myself that I was a stronger person by cutting myself off from the world, when in fact I am the biggest coward alive!

I say I want to make a difference but i'm too scared I fail so I don't try hard enough. I say I don't want a relationship or someone to love me and someone who I can share my love with when I actually I might. I would rather lose that person by being a shell of who I am than take a risk and get hurt by trying anyway. I say people don't phase me but their words sting like a bitch. I say i'm not pretentious and just shy when in fact there are just certain people I don't click with. I say I work hard when in fact I could probably squeeze an extra hour of success out of each day, if not more. I say I wanna see the world but complain that I have to live out of a suitcase. I do get involved in charity however I have so many more hours and volunteering to give.

So for this year I need to let go of all the negative aspects that control me and the biggest thing that has me shackled at this point is TREPIDATION. I so scared of being hurt and disappointed that I am just sailing through life emotionless and untouched. This year may have some nasty stumbling blocks for me but its about time I learn to take a risk. To free fall without a safety net and if it doesn't work..... Well then I'll learn how to get back up, dust myself off and get back out there. I put so much pressure on big events and people that its hard for anyone to compare in real life to what is really going on in my head. I need to just let people be people and make a decision to let the ones who consistently disappoint, leave my life for good.

I spend so much love and energy on people who don't matter when I could concentrate a little more on the ones who do, because the reality is, they wont be around forever.

This year hasn't been all that bad. I made amazing friendships and I have come through a dark time with a big smile on my face (yeah, there were tears.... floods of them but each cry allowed me to rinse my self a little more from all the bad and the change)) and a heart that is now open and ready to embrace new emotion. I have come through hard times without resorting to old habits and I have realised that I actually like more things than I thought I did. I've also realised I like ME a lot more than I thought I did. I have laughed and lived freely but somehow I have still managed to hold back more of myself than I should have.

May 2012 help me to drop the Twisted and just accept I am Cinderella and may this Butterfly no longer be Fallen but very much ,wings spread wide, with the strength and the courage to fly down whichever path my life will take me.

I am worth all the things I deserve and it can only be through my own hands that I can accept these things.

I will let go of the things I cant control as they are out of my control and through the amazing people who have been in my life over the last few months I will be okay.

And if things don't work out the way I had hoped, I will trust in my own courage to let go, scrap that plan and start a new one, for while my heart still beats may I forever have the courage to follow it!

Happy New Year and may 2012 bring out all the love and opportunities each one of us deserve!

Auld Lang Syne

In nothing more than her undies and her favourite black, off the shoulder Santa Jack tee and her infamous snow boots, she cranks the volume up once again and throws her head and back and forth to the violent sounds of Rage Against the Machine, strumming on her air guitar she escapes the world and loses herself in the one passion that moves her more than anything. Her Music. Letting her mind and body move to the rhythm of the bass guitar paired with the pounding of the drums, she yells to the lyrics releasing all her fears, her anger, her frustration of the year she spent the last two hours looking back on.

How did she get here? How did she get from Old Years Eve 2010 to Christmas Eve 2011 without completely falling apart? For a creature of habit, change is a bitter, hard little pill to swallow. The end of an era and the start of a new chapter. Exciting – yes, scary – hell yes! But somehow, looking back at all the change and all the negativity and all the scary shit that went down, she came out of it. She came out of it stronger. She came out of it wiser and braver and more compassionate that she had been in a long time. The lessons to be learned this last year had come fast and hard and at one point, she felt like given up. Packing it all up and making one final change.... a familiar one. Going back to the place she thought she may finally belong. But the lessons didn't stop there. They continued. Crept into her safe zone, came in the form of many things. Patience was tested. Boundaries were pushed. Emotions soared high. But one thing that never faltered throughout this new year was faith.

Like the formidable force it is, it pushed her. Forced her to find her feet, get back up on them and charge back into her own life and take control. Her passion, again, became her driving force. The shit days still came... fast and hard but some how she learnt to cry. She learnt to wash the pain out from inside of her and to cope. To manage her emotions and learn to harness them. She is slowly accepting that even though those rainy days roll around, often or not, and it feels like the life she worked so hard to build will be washed away in the flood that follows, she needs to remember that no matter the damage, she is blessed with the capability to repair and move on. Adapt and survive.

So as she appears now, no longer afraid and alone, with the sound of the rough jagged voices emitting from her stereo, throwing herself around the room like a rag doll she cant help but let the melody and the notes wash over her and feel the rush of excitement as she finally accepts that the old year is nearly done and a bright new beginning is peeking out brightly from just around the corner. Its time to accept and move on that while Out with the old..... its always in with the new...

Happy New Year and God Bless.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

Trust is one of several social constructs, an element of the social reality. Other constructs, frequently discussed together with trust, are: control, confidence, risk, meaning and power. Trust is naturally attributable to relationships between social actors, both individuals and groups (social systems). Because trust is a social construct, it is valid to discuss whether trust can be trusted  i.e. whether social trust operates as expected.

Some trust too easy and some not at all. Some can brush off the uncertainties and risks involved while others can never let go and continue to find it harder and harder to judge the trustworthiness of those around them. But how do we get there? How do we accept the loss of control and put our most prized, most significant and pure and certainly most protected possession in someone else hands? Someone we pray and wish never to lose? 

How do you rewire yourself and bring yourself to start dismantling your armour that has kept you so safe and so protected for the longest time? How do you allow someone to simply stumble into your life, your safe haven, and just start start breaking down your walls one brick at a time without allowing fear and panic to rise up in your throat? 

How, after being so independent and so perfectly lonely for so long, does one surrender all that and rely on another? How do we know who the right ones are too trust and who are the scamsters looking to take us down another path of hurt and disappointment?  How do we open our hearts to the risk and the many things that may go wrong? 

How is it that some gain our trust instantaneously and we never measure to what degree that trust could be shattered because we haven't yet considered the risk, while others, we know, right away the risks involved and the loss may be inevitably follow? How is it easier to trust a complete stranger with a comment or a look yet when someone is trying to gain our trust intentionally we shyly hide behind our pride? And my BIGGEST questions of the day is why when we finally do surrender this trust does it get returned in tiny shattered pieces? 

No one wants to be damaged or broken. No one wants to be angry, or hurt or scared but life isn't always about getting what we want. Its about adapting and surviving. Its about growth and love and passion and just because someone is a little more freaked out than most doesn't necessarily mean they have or always will be that way it just means they need a little extra patience, a little more understanding and  little more love. 

Most of my questions, I will never find answers to and my confusion may never disappear and as foolish as it may seem to want so badly to believe that one person can tear down years of resistance and to wish for a fairytale as hard ass as I may be, its all I can do.... is believe. 

All I can hope for is that one day someone strong and genuine will bulldoze that wall to the ground and show me that the one I find the hardest to believe in the one thing they will provide and never falter on and that i will never have to rebuild a wall again.....

Till then all I can do is try......

Twisted Cinderella

Sitting on the front steps in my high tops and my party dress, breathing in the last few drags of a Menthol. My short dark fringe falling over my blue eyes, and my eye liner slightly smudged.... I'm just a Twisted Cinderella. Flowing out from inside I can hear the guitar strings of Angus Young and the shrill chorus of ACDC'S Thunderstruck. I stick my cigarette between my lips and I dramatically strum on my air guitar... After a few wicked moves of my tattooed wrist, I raise my glass to the odd lonely tramp walking down the road and high five the drunken blondes falling out the doors and into cabs. I look around and wonder if this is really it. If this is where I’m meant to be.

Twisted Cinderella. Untouchable. Restless and wild. Waiting for someone to understand. Iron clad heart apparently. Emotionally shut off from the rest of the world (I think those were the words used) I feel what I feel when I want to feel it. It may sound childish to some and I may seem cut off to others. You may not understand my black finger nails or my passion to cover my arm in tattoos. You may not get my crazy hair or accept my crazy laugh. You may not find my dancing around my lounge in a fire engine red wig and a leopard print dress on a Saturday night, amusing and you may find my writing boring and monotonous but in all honesty screw you if you don't get me. I don't care. Its not your approval I seek. Its not your opinion that matters. Wearing a bikini and rain boots while blowing bubbles in the sun is what makes me happy. And call me selfish but since its my life I’m all I care about at this point. Don't use my craziness to make yourself feel better and stop thinking you can save me cos you cant. I don't need saving. I'm happy with my life and I’m happy being slightly off key. I'm weird at times I get. I am a HUGE contradiction – this I know. Stop telling me what to feel and stop assuming you know what I want. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I have to be soft and fall in love. You cant possibly know what I want if you don't even truly know me.

Maybe this is just me and this is just what I want.... to sit out here in my party dress and my high tops, sucking on a cigarette, outside in the moonlight alone and free. With an arm full of ink and a head full of random thoughts. So if you looking for a perfect princess who follows the rules and always looks perfect and has a great body and long eyelashes to bat while she agrees with every word you say, keep on going because all that's here is a Twisted Cinderella. 

Rock on Individuality!!

xxx

What is a plan?

A plan is typically any diagram or list of steps with timing and resources, used to achieve an objective. One could also look up strategy. It is commonly understood as a temporal set of intended actions, through which one expects to achieve a goal.

Its funny how your whole life you get taught and prepped to have a “plan”. We go to school so we can be well prepared and educated for our future plans. Twelve damn years we invest in this “plan” We get party invites so we can plan to be free on that date. We plan our outfits and match our shoes. We get engaged with a plan to be married. We go off birth control so we can plan a family. We work hard so we can plan to have a nice house and car. We budget for holidays so we can plan a trip. We have Retirement annuities and policies so we plan ahead for our old age.

But realistically now, how often does it seem that the plans we have for ourselves ever go as “planned”. It’s such a contradiction when a plan doesn’t go accordingly and then we get hit with the harsh reality and my most un-favorite line in the world – “that’s life”! WTF?! What’s the point? We spend so much time planning and prepping and then in one day, in one instant, everything you thought was yours for the taking or everything you worked your ass off to achieve gets pulled from under you – the first thing we have to do, is come up with a new plan! It doesn’t matter how spontaneous or how fun we may be – everyone always needs a plan. And it doesn’t matter how strong you are or how quickly you bounce back – it always sucks to know your plan fell apart.

I remember being 13 and being too sick to attend a school disco to see some boy I thought was so cute , with his wiry curls and big brown eyes – It felt like my world had ended… Holy ratballs, if only I knew then what I know now. Coulda saved all the tears and “woe is me” puppy dog faces for the real stuff. The big plan – the one where you don’t get the dream apartment you been busting your balls to afford or the promotion you worked late nights and smiled at your boss so big for, that you went home with aching cheeks for weeks on end. The car that fell apart on you, and let you down when you needed it most. The month you finally earned enough to save a little extra to splurge and really spoil yourself only to find your washing machine broke and your geyser is leaking so you have to pay for that instead.

Eff me - some times life can be cruel and really have the last laugh but I guess its all relative. Along with being to taught to plan we are also taught to be optimistic, believing and have faith. We are taught to look for silver linings and to be mature enough to straighten up little soldier and stiffen up that upper lip because when one door closes another one opens. Funny how no time frame is given on the new door opening or which door to go through so when do so you don’t land up falling down another Rabbit hole.

*Sigh* Being a grown up is sometimes really hard work. I remember wishing with all my might to be 21 so I can live in my own house and make up my own rules. Shit I never even considered that meant paying my own bills and cleaning my own laundry. Catching my own spiders and painting my own walls. When the bathroom light blows and you have to light candles just so you don’t fall in the loo and when the curtain rail falls and you cant get it up again because you too small or have arms like jelly – It really doesn’t seem as much fun….

But all I can say now, sitting here feeling like a pile of dog poo ‘cos none of my plans seem to be coming together as quick as I’d like or as organized as I’d hoped, is that thank God I have parents who continuously teach me that belief, faith, positive thinking and love really can get you through mountains of shit. Parents that teach me that silver linings do exist and that no matter how many rabbit holes I fall down there is always a way out and always someone to lean on when times seem shitty and plans seems useless.

Give it up ladies and gents for my mom and dad! So today I say Fuck it – Its Friday and for the next two days (okay except for the “planned” football match tomorrow) I will make NO PLANS at all.

TGIF sheep!

xxx

Buttons

Today I lost my best friend. Today I had to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I had to decide what was right for you and put my own feelings aside. Today I lost my companion. I had to give MY angel back to God so he could give her wings and breathe her life back into her poor old body. I know not everyone gets it and they say if you just not a dog person you probably just wont get it but Buttons, you were truly my truest, most special companion. No matter what happened you were always there by side. If you weed where you shouldn't have or chewed something that was mine, it didn't matter if I got cross with you, two minutes later you were back in my lap giving me loves and licks.

People say I gave you a great last few years during your “retirement” but the way I see it is that you actually gave me a great time. Its amazing how much I learnt through you. I have learnt that some things really are just that much more important. I learnt that it doesn't matter what people think so long as you believe and so long as you love. Some laughed at my tattoo and thought I was crazy but you will always be a huge part of me and now its just one more reminder.

I never thought it was possible to love anything or anyone so much but my love for you is still unconditional. Mom didn't wanna see you suffer and mom didn't want to see you hurt so mom had to make a call. I'm gutted that I wont get to cuddle you and kiss you again and it kills me that I wont see your little face waiting at the door for me when I come home. It kills me that I wont hear you softly snoring next my bed and it breaks me that I wont get to laugh at your funny faces and stretching noises in the mornings. It breaks my heart that all I have left now are photos and memories but I would rather feel all this hurt myself than ever bear to look at your little face with those big brown eyes and know that your pain was silenced.

So today mommy had to say goodbye to you and even though its breaking my heart, I know I did right by you my precious pup.

Mom loves you always!

RIP Buttons my little Furball!

xxx

Take your best shot!

Life is like a....... Oh hell what do I know. I'm just an extremely complex 28 yr old with too many fairies, dreams and knights in shining armour clouding my vision.

I am struggling to even understand me as a person, so how the hell am I expected to understand life as a whole? Sometimes I think I just have cotton candy for brains and butter for judgement. Yup you guessed it – I am the worlds worst judge of character you will ever meet in your life. Its not hard for me too see the good in people but its hard to see the people who are good for me.

I guess I'm back at that stage of my life where I'm just a confused lost soul restlessly wondering life's boundaries, searching for life's answers. I'm one big ,soft hearted, hard assed contradiction. Too hard with the people that love me and too soft with the idiots who don't. Where's the happy medium?

Like the infamous Forest Gump's mom said – Life is like a box of chocolates. Hah more like people are like a box of chocolates. You never know which ones you gonna pick. And no matter how hard you examine the box, the damn chocolate company go and change all the designs whereby we are able to recognise our favourites. Damn them!

It's funny though – If I sit back and think about all the different people I have let in my life over the years, friends, boyfriends, colleagues – it doesn't really matter which ones hurt me and which ones walked out – they all came into my life for a reason an they all, through their own individual relationships with me, somehow taught me a lesson. Made me harder, stronger. Made me more cautious and less naïve. But it doesn't matter how many bad things have happened and how hard I have become I still have the three things I need to get me through my life. Hope, Faith and Love.

I still believe in fairy tales and happy endings and I still believe that there are more good people out there than bad in the world. I still believe that everyone deserves a second chance and that no one deserves to be hurt or made to feel insignificant.

It doesn’t matter what the world throws at me and it doesn't matter how complex or confused I ever may be, I have the advantage of seeing the best in just about everything, and my bouts of despondency only last for a short while, before my smile returns and I'm back to daydreaming of knights on white horses and happily ever afters and for that I say – Go on – take your best shot!

Rainbows and Butterflies! 

Its not personal.. Its just me...

Geez sometimes I can be a real dick! Its like my filter just switches off and there is nothing there to process what I feel and what I say. If only I were like new technology where I could buy myself add on parts and upgrades. (I would definitely swipe a filter on my card and not think twice!) I would even be happy to just be able to put myself on standby or sleep mode when I get like this...

I vowed I would never get Emo on my blog but since this is my release and my ,seemingly, only way of actually dealing with anything emotional here goes...

I'm mad at myself! I get so ridiculously stupidly emotionally stubborn and instead of telling the people I love how I feel I decide it best to rather keep it in and push people away. The more sad I get the ruder I become and the further I push those around me. Every time I leave home my hearts breaks a little more but instead of telling this to the people I love,l always managed to piss them off and push them away on my last day. Talk about the worlds best construction worker – just put me in a bad situation where tears may spill and watch how quickly I build a wall. Worst thing is I don't just build walls high enough to keep people out – I build them so high ,even I, find it hard to climb back over.

I become emotionally stunted and I shut down on every level.... Why? And am I the only person who gets this way and I am a bitch for not wanting to feel every single bit of hurt and pain that life has to offer? Yes - I get insecure and scared and I have days where I don't feel good enough for even myself let alone the rest of the world but do I have to stamp it on my face for everyone to see? Why cant I just retreat into my little hole and feel what I feel in private or better yet just throw on a CD and not feel at all. Sit back and rock out until the dust has settled and my world is happily rotating on its own little axis once again...

Sucky part is I don't just get like this with my family – I get like this with everyone, anyone in fact. And the more people try and help the worse I get... Maybe I am just that fiercely independent and guarded that I feel this is the best way to handle things - who the hell knows... I used to think I was just a melodramatic teenager and I would grow out of it but apparently years on, I'm still just emotionally inept, little me... All I can say is I am trying... and all I can ask is for those around me to be patient with me and please not take it personally.

So take this as a public apology to all of those who have felt the wrath of the stubborn, petulant child in me who is just to proud to cry or show my sadness to those around me. I get that I am an emotional contradiction and I am and always will be a “work in progress” .

Peace and love Homies!! 

 

Bye House....

Perched on my suitcase in the middle of the floor of my old bedroom, I'm fighting back the tears! I have been in this home for like 25 years. Granted, the last few I have been somewhat of a visitor but still all the memories and all of my most sacred and prized possessions fall inside the walls of this house. From the “I heart B.J.B” in the inside of my cupboard to the stained purple skirting from when I went through my passion for lavender and would not accept my bedroom walls any other colour. The skirting in the bathroom where the loose nail got wedged in my knee in a game of “Horsie” with my brother. The back garden where my brother I camped and I smacked him in the nose with the tent pole. The pool where we used to play games and makes big splashes to drive each other crazy.

We have had so many birthday parties and celebrations in this home. From clowns when we were young to sleep overs and eventually co-ed dance parties. Not to mention the parties we had that my parents have no idea about.... Well.. until now that is... :) Broken fingers and broken glass in the pool. Our friends have always referred to our home as their home away from home and as I sit here now and look around I cant believe its almost all over.

This was the place we all gathered when we found out Granny had cancer. The place we all came to mourn when we lost Papu and then gran just a short while later. Its the place my gran lived with us and where our bond just got that much tighter. This is where we had our rabbits, our fish, our hamsters, our birds and all our dogs. Where we used to eat ice cream in the sunshine and play catch in the front garden before we had to put walls up.

Unfortunately there are some dark times here too but no matter what this has always been home. We used to bunk school and come and hide out here. We would have lunch and watch some tv and head back to the hole in the fence again. On Saturdays the girls used to gather round my room and overcrowd my bathroom for girls night out. Clothes strewn across the bed and make up and accessories for as far as the eye can see. We used to come home at ridiculous hours the next morning and all pile on my bed and sleep off the “one too many” tequilas. When Rory moved out and dad turned his old bedroom into a lounge for me n the girls to hang out – in came the inflatable couches and out came the vodka... we would sit and chat and screech for hours on end about boys and work and all sorts of crap we could come with in my new “bachelorette” pad.

My farewell was held here with all my close friends and family and also my 21^st. Laughs and jokes and scary stories shared out in the back garden by the fire pit... We have bashed down walls and extended rooms. Not so long ago I was sitting with dad, christening his new bar with some Johnny Walker, now we have to pack up the bottles and take the pictures from the walls. The bathrooms that my parents let me helped pick the tiles and colours for... The Peach tree outside where I used to “run away” too whenever I was in trouble for breaking some thing or doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing (Yup you guessed – I spent a lot of time in that tree)

As I grew older I would sit out by the pool in the moonlight secretly puffing on a ciggie putting pen to paper.

On Sundays as a child - I used to build huge Barbie houses all over my bedroom floor and spend hours in there alone talking to myself and playing with all my dolls. Strapping my “babies” in my moms old escort and taking them “shopping”. LOL – Playing “school School” and building huge road and train tracks in the garage !

Geez this house has so many memories I could go on and on and on but for now I'm just going to sit here on my suitcase and shed a little tear in solitude and say farewell to the place I have called home for 3/4's of my life...

I know change is inevitable and I know change is good but for now I just want to sit here and say good bye to my house.

Farewell Housie!

No place like home...

So I'm a on plane flying back to my Home town of Johannesburg and although this plane is shaking and I'm shitting myself, just praying that we land soon – You see I may be frequent flyer but it doesn't make me any less scared of flying.... so anyway I'm on this plane - Aisle 30, Seat C right at the back (there is a little girl to my right who looks exactly like Snooki its frightening) and as the excitement starts building up I cant help but go on that little trip down memory lane.

The adventure that came to be me, Candice, the mommy n daddy's girl - irresponsible, reckless wild child, moving to and surviving in the Mother City all alone. 4 years later I still sometimes cant grasp the reality of the situation. Its almost like your body just goes on auto pilot and you just get safely carried along the path you chose for yourself. Sometimes I feel stupid for allowing myself to pack up my whole life and leave my home for the reasons I did but then I look back at all that I have accomplished in the last 4 years and I cant help but feel so damn proud!

Before I left home I couldn’t boil an egg! Literally! If I was left to fend for myself, I could survive off cup of soup and 2 minute noodles (made in the microwave - might I add) for days.... I had no idea how to do a load of washing and paying bills and getting to bed on time were all somewhat of a challenge to me. My first load of washing, resulted in one pre wash white hoodie that ended up pink post wash, two shrunken vests and an alarming amount of lost socks but all in all it ended better than I woulda thought. My first home cooked meal wasn’t so lucky – Note to all: Trying to make a seafood pasta as your first meal is not really a good idea. (Read: Don't eat it just cos you made it if it doesn’t taste right! - I still cant face a seafood pasta without feeling a bit faint! )

Anyhoo, so unbeknown to me my wicked, wicked family took bets as to how long the lost child would last in Cape Town for. I think the general consensus was roughly 3 months of partying, a possible fleeting romance and then either boredom or a broken heart would steer me back on my route home. Hmmm... well as I said earlier – its been 4 years and still no such luck. Don't get me wrong – I have endured boredom, done a job switcheroo, had my heart broken, made and lost some friendships – (most of them lost back home), I have moved homes 7 times in these four years and shed more tears in this city than I ever could have imagined I was capable. Yet somehow I have this strange connection to my new home. No matter how bad things have got and no matter how much I love my family and friends back home I just cant imagine myself leaving....

After all this place is where I lived in my first little home, the place I crashed my car after 1 too many “I miss home” cocktails, the place I learned to cook my first chicken curry, the place I learned that its okay to spend time on your own with your own thoughts, the place I gained my independence and the place I got to enhance my self expression, its where I fell in love and where I learned sometimes love just isn’t enough, its where I learned that not everything has to be perfect and things don't always work out to a plan. Its the place where I learned that people are not always what you think and who they seem to be. Its where I learned more about what I am capable of as a person and its where I learned that by just being you is okay because as long as you are your best its all you can be and its perfect.

If someone said 4 years ago that I would be the person I am today – I don't think I would have believed them. Call it growing up, and some say, it was inevitable regardless of where I lived but I know in my heart of hearts this is not true. I know that the time spent on my own and the lessons learned all happened the way they were supposed too. I know if I had not broken away from all that I knew and that was comfortable I wouldn’t have been forced to go to the places I went to inside myself.

So as much as I love my home and I am still 100% Joburg n will never let go of the Southern Belle within, I cant help but sit here and smile at how my life has turned out so far. No regrets... If the saying “Home is where the heart is” is true then I have two homes and feel extra super specially blessed!!

Ain't no Burger like a Joburger!!!

"Is it a bird? Is it a plane?"

“With great power must also come, a great responsibility” Words of truth spoken from the costume clad mouth of Stan Lee’s Spiderman.  Granted - the power that comes with Peter Parkers secret superhero self is far greater than what we will ever know, given the fact he has a 6^th sense that alerts him to danger, perfect balance and equilibrium along with superhuman speed and agility. Let’s also not forget his webs shooting from his hands and the way he can motor up, and stick to,  the tallest of sky scrapers.

My brothers passion for Superheroes made me laugh at first as I was amused that a grown man would want to keep “boy dolls” but through his passion and a well thought out gift made for him I started getting drawn into the world of “Superness”, myself. Again, its amazing how so much of ones times can be spent on fantasizing about alter egos and the desire to be someone/something more that what we currently are.

I have mentioned before about the large portion of my day that is spent on my Rock Star fantasy – let me fill you in on what the little gaps in between are spent on wishing I was… Yup! 10 points for those who already figured it out! A superhero! DUH! Or Super heroine for the absolute feminists out there.

Yes I would love to be a power wielding, costume wearing, secret identity carrying, theme tuned, independently wealthy, superhero with a back story of note and headquarters with several levels of secret lairs but preferably no Achilles heel or weakness.

If I were a superhero – I already have my ideal costume.. Since I’m already a ripped skinny jeans, Black Sabbath t-shirt wearing, ol’ school Chuck Taylors, kinda gal by day, by night I would be scantily clad in a black lace corset with fishnets and black and bottle green netted tutu. I would have lace up combats up to my knees and a short black punked up mo-hawk! (think Pink!) My arms would have full tattooed sleeves and I would have my Justice peace across my collar bone. I would have a 6^th sense that turns certain streaks of my hair green or purple when danger is near or when my powers are low or strong. (that one requires more thought clearly!)

My headquarters would be held at the House Of Galahad and although it would still look like home to most – I would have control panels and the like, allowing me access to lofts n basements which would house all my superhero stuff and weaponry! I think Iron mans little set up but with a bit more pink would be perfect!

I would want to be somewhat of a shape shifting, slashing, mentalist. (Think - Plastic man, Mr. Fantastic, Mystique, Wolverine, Elektra, Phoenix and Professor x to name a few) So I could still have weapons coming from my hands, change my body to fit a situation and still have the ability to control or read the minds of those around me. Of course I would not be giving up the usual superhero powers of superhuman strength, ability to fly, enhanced senses and possibly even the projection of energy balls.

Las if having all of the above isn’t cool enough, with all superheroes comes a strong moral code – this is what sets them aside from being a super villain. (Um thanks Captain Obvious) This doesn’t come from any super power but comes from the pureness of good wanting to defeat evil and continue to defend good. Okay – check! This is one superhero I already possess.

As for a back story and a name, well that’s still a work in progress but if you stick around I’ll let you know when I have one….. Oh and a slogan….

For those of you who think I’m a child – I am….. This is childish and lame and will probably never happen (I say probably because I don’t think Steve Rogers had any idea that, after being injected in 1941 by an experimental serum, he would become “THE” Captain America, but he did – so there is hope)  but its fun to think about the lighter side of life and to imagine ourselves in another world…. Even if it is on ya coffee break in between clients….

Xoxo - The Worlds Mightiest Mortal. 

Tattoo or Taboo??

Okay so I have reached that fork in the road where my heart is saying one thing and my head and the influence of those around me, saying another. I have worked hard my whole life to build a career and now I have one. A successful one. I'm smart and passionate and great at what I do but along with that passion and a huge part of why I am successful is my wayward, self motivating nature. My passion. My creativity. My Expression. These are some of the I qualities I possess that make me good at what I do and why I can win over my clients and their trust. Its because I am honest and reliable and I say what I mean and I mean what I say.....  so with that being said and all those positive attributes coming from within, should it really matter what I look like on the outside?

Does it make a difference if I have one single tattoo on my wrist or an entire sleeve on my left arm? Does it make me less capable or less reliable to have the word, I 100% believe, defines who I am and what aspire to be on the inside of my forearm? Should I feel or be made to feel bad because I want to use my body as my greatest canvas and show off a lil of what I believe inside? I don't understand how some people are still so narrow minded when doing business. How does my tattoo or the colour or style of my hair affect my ability to do the job just as well as I have already proved I can?And if you have never done business with me before - who gives you the right to judge me based on my appearance if you have no idea what I am capable of in the corporate world?

Do our bodies really define us? I mean are all thin, non tattooed people nice, in control people? Are all overweight people useless and lazy? Do all tattooed folk come with a criminal record and a bad childhood? How stupid of anyone to believe that any of the above could be remotely true. Its naive and cynical and judgemental.Our bodies are our most prized possessions. We are the only ones who reserve the right to comment and we are the only ones who get to choose what we want them to look like, how we get to dress them and decorate them and at what size we would like to be.

Personally I don't think if I were dipped in a pot of ink it would make any difference to the work I do and the results I can achieve however why do so many people still have the same response.... "ooh but how are you going to cover those for work?" or "people wont take you seriously!" Really?! Is that the world we still live in?

Screw that shit, I'm me and I'm about to get inked! 

Over and out bitches! 

Feelings a bitch!

Emotion is the complex psycho physiological experience of an individual's state of mind as interacting with biochemical (internal) and environmental (external) influences. In humans, emotion fundamentally involves physiological arousal, expressive behaviors, and conscious experience. Emotion is associated with mood, temperament, personality, disposition and motivation. Motivations direct and energize behavior, while emotions provide the affective component to motivation, positive or negative.

There are many theories on emotion and its cause, dating back from ancient Greece all the way to modern scientific experiment.

The James - Lange theory argues that emotional experience is largely due to the experience of bodily changes. This theory and its derivatives state that a changed situation leads to a changed bodily state. You then have the Neurobiological theory. This explanation of human emotion is that emotion is a pleasant or unpleasant mental state organized in the limbic system of the mammalian brain.

These are just 2 of around 11 individual theories which is very interesting stuff however when going through many of these said emotions one tends not to give a flying rats ass what the cause is unless that cause has a face that you can punch, kiss or confront.

Just like art where you have your primary colors, you also have primary emotions. There are 6 primary emotions which consist of Excited, Tender, Scared, Angry, Sad and Happy. All of these categories have spans of sub categories of emotions we go through on a daily basis. Intimacy. Fear, antsy, nervous, rage, fury, dejection, depression, fulfillment, contentment. Some of which are stemmed from good social situations and some from bad.

I’m a person who bases all I know and most of what I believe on fact so thus the reason for my more serious blog however it seems no matter what factual evidence or findings I come across it doesn’t make me feel any better or any closer to understanding my own emotions while I’m in the middle of the bad ones. I run at a high voltage level of passion be in a positive or negative situation and with passion sometimes comes a serious lack of logic!

My theory is this though – too often our emotions are not dependant on our circumstance or our “changed situation” or the levels of serotonin in our brains but more so based on the individuals around us. We allow other human beings with different emotions to have the power and control to influence our emotion. We are happy when we feel safe and loved and we are having a good time, however we feel sad when we have been let down, or spoken to badly or dumped. The most important thing to keep in mind through all of this though, is that as human beings with the ability to feel emotion we have the power to make the choice. Maybe we can’t choose how we feel or who made us feel that way but I am beginning to believe that we can choose the length of time, we feel how we feel. It’s a natural progression, we lose, we grieve, we learn to cope, we get on with things, we survive and eventually things get better.

Its not ideal but it seems to be working so check my ass as I jump on this bandwagon to feeling better!

Peace, love and Rock n Roll! 

Thats just messed up....

I don’t pretend to not have a problem with things that I do and I don’t pretend to believe in things I don’t. I don’t lie and I’m not fake. I say it like it is. I don’t pretend to be sweet when I’m mad. I don’t pretend to not want things that I really, really do. I don’t play games and I don’t walk around like peoples feelings don’t matter. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else and I know I have my quirks n flaws that make me who I am.  I’m sometimes a sloppy drunk and sometimes things escape my mouth without fully being processed in my head. But I do feel remorse and I don’t like making anyone feel bad or hurt or used or unwanted. I don’t think I’m perfect but I know I’m special. I’m not conceited but I know I am a beautiful person. I have a good heart and I give everyone a chance. Even when you’ve blown yours there’s another waiting right around the corner. I try to make a difference and I try to keep on believing, even when at times I just feel like giving up. I try to be the best person I can be and sometimes I succeed and some days I fall flat. 

So I think it’s fucked up how you wake up one morning and decide to cut me from your life. No word. No warning. Just like that! Like I don’t matter?! Its sucks because I didn’t do anything wrong so how I am still left feeling guilty?

It crap cos I am left with no explanation. No words said. I’m just left hanging like I didn’t meant shit. The worst thing is that ill never know because its perfectly clear I was given the chance to ask. 

Every hello ends with a goodbye but it still matters the way you say it! 

Men really are from Mars......

Ok I get men and woman come from entirely different planets. This has been a theory rehashed and regurgitated and discussed and spoken about inside out for hundreds of years but for a generation of scientists who can cure disease and technologically advanced braniacs who can create cell phones that connect to social networks which can pin point your exact location How the HELL have we not learnt to figure each other out??? And why does it seem like we are not even trying? 

In my opinion you either want something or you don’t! You either say something and mean it or you don’t. You either getting something out of your actions or your not so when someone comes along and blows that all out of the water for me I cant help but somewhat freak out a little. You see a lot of people may argue that I’m at times complex and over analytical BUT I actually just crave simplicity. I just crave honesty and the balls for someone to be straightforward. All I want is to know what the facts are so that I can deal with them appropriately and move on. I don’t like limbo and I don’t like living in a grey patch. 

Men seem to think that the way they act is for the greater good of women kind whereas woman just want the straight up truth. For all the haters and all those who think I’m on a man bashing mission – Stop Breathe and understand this is a blog where thoughts and opinions of mine and those around me can be expressed, so before you judge just remember Fallen Butterfly is an Expression of Self. Kay back to it – I have a lot of male friends and it seems whenever a girl they just happen to know gets hurt (by them) the first words that come out of their mouths go something like this…… “well I told her from the beginning I didn’t want a relationship” or “this is exactly why id didn’t want to sleep with her.” Thanks for realising that after you fucked up Einstein! 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but all the while you were telling that girl how you didn’t want to hurt her and how you just wanted to be friends – the fact that you kept on sleeping with her and taking her out and messaging her all the lil cute quirky quotes you probably get weekly updates from cheesypickuplines.com – you were very conscious of what you were doing and could have spent your time in a ore worthwhile way, like , I dunno, NOT leading the girl on. 

You could have not wasted her time with all your melodramatic bullshit and stopped thinking with your penis and considered how you would feel if the tables were turned. Sucks to admit but I bet you wouldn’t like it. I’m not saying its only men that do this cos I have heard that there are woman out there that do the same but thank my lucky stars I have never had the pleasure of befriending any of them because I feel its a cheap lame attempt of making yourself feel good and wanted, when the people in question are really just very insecure. 

I can’t really write from a mans perspective as I am clearly not a man but for all the men who are reading this, this is how you should play this situation out from a woman’s point of view… Firstly if you don’t want a relationship then don’t have one – don’t pretend to be in one when its suits you and have the balls to be honest from day one. If you go to a club and you looking to get laid and you actually happen to come right but see no future with the woman in question, then don’t swap numbers, BB pins or FB names, and don’t say you’ll call when you both know you wont. Stop thinking of yourselves as the stronger sex, because times have changed and that is hugely debatable at this point. We can earn our own money and take out our own trash.  Stop thinking that you gonna hurt every girls feelings by telling the truth – some of us actually prefer to hear it so we don’t have to get caught up in a game either. And some of us just don’t really care cos we don’t really think you’re all that anyway.  Understand the harsh reality that in today’s day and age women are not so privy to sex after marriage and sometimes you are the one who is being used so therefore your string of dinners and dorky messages are completely unnecessary. 

If you are not looking for sex or a relationship with a girl and merely just want a friendship DON’T flirt with her when you hard up for a attention and if you know (an make sure you are not assuming boys) that she is looking for a guy who wants that, then introduce her to someone who is on the same page. Don’t fuck your friends and don’t date your booty calls - its all very simple.

Girls work on signs and they read into almost everything so the best way to handle us is with honesty. Tell a girl she has a big bum, and yes, chances are she won’t talk to you again, but her ass will be hauled into the gym tomorrow where it will slowly begin to deplete but lie to her foR 6 months and watch it grow. Admitting after you screwed up and then saying “well at least I was honest” doesn’t mean shit – in fact its even worse because they way I see it,  its like a murderer killing someone and then confessing with the deluded logic that its okay now because they confessed. It doesn’t change the suffering they caused and doesn’t redeem your actions. 

So in a final plea to all the bastards out there who think they doing us a favour – Get over yourselves and try and be a little bit decent and be honest BEFORE you mess us around. Our time is just as valuable as yours and we would prefer to waste it on ourselves and our mates than on a douche bag like you!  

Rock on or Rock out! 

Ladies will understand...men prepare to be educated!!

This is just too funny not share... My mom found this online and its for all the ladies cos we ALL know we have ALL been there! 

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.

Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.

You get in to find the door won't latch.

It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty.

You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).

That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

 It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.

 Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear,

'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted.

 You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting

You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet.

Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs.

 It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.

This HAD to be written by a woman!

No one else could describe it so accurately.

This is so classic - wish i had written it myself!  

Remember ya Kleenex ladies!